Loving Nick Simmons.

Seriously, I'm in love. He has such an awesome voice....totally want more.

Anxiety.

The Panic Attacks have come back. I'm not having full on can't breath, crying, rolled in a ball hard core ones yet, but I'm def having minor ones. I'm anxious all the time. I have to pep talk myself to leave my apartment. It's getting hard to deal with it when I have so much going on. I don't have time to deal with this stuff right now. I think it's going to keep getting worse. I'm having all of these thoughts and I'm trying to remember things that I just cant seem to. I'm having these nightmares, so I'm not sleeping very well and I end up staying up until like 2 in the morning. The loss of sleep is affecting me and how I interact with the world. The world is just so not interesting to me right now. I don't want to be involved with anything, yet I'm involved with so much right now that I can't stop. It's already starting to affect me in school and I'm worried how much I'm gunna be able to handle all at once. It's all just very confusing.

A Worse That Feels Too Big.

"I just wish that God or my parents or Sam or my sister or someone would just tell me what's wrong with me. Just tell me how to be different in a way that makes sense. To make this all go away. And disappear. I know that's wrong because it's my responsibility, and I know that things get worse before they get better because that's what my psychiatrist says, but this is a worse that feels too big." - Stephen Chbosky

Infinite.

The word infinite.... in·fi·nite   [in-fuh-nit] Adjective 1. immeasurably great: an infinite capacity for forgiveness. 2. indefinitely or exceedingly great: infinite sums of money. 3. unlimited or unmeasurable in extent of space, duration of time, etc.: the infinite nature of outer space. 4. unbounded or unlimited; boundless; endless: God's infinite mercy. 5. Mathematics . a. not finite. b. (of a set) having elements that can be put into one-to-one correspondence with a subset that is not the given set. "..... And in that moment, I swear we were infinite." - Stephen Chbosky

Raw And Exposed.

Today I went to go see The Perks Of Being A Wallflower. I was told it had a Ferris Bueller feel to it, so obviously my interest was peeked. I was not expecting the movie to be what it was though. It was absolutely amazing in the way that it was so raw and real and honest with reality and how it works. But it was so emotional for me to watch, I actually started crying in the movie theatre. The panic he feels, the pain, the black outs, the need to be normal.....I understood it all. He got through it all, he found the help he needed.....all I want is that. I want more than anything to feel how he did at the end of the movie.....infinite. If I could feel infinite.....I think i'd be able to finally breathe. Things are starting to get bad again and I don't know how I got here. I've been doing okay...liveable. But somethings changed and things are so much worse. I've been having some panic attacks and I keep remembering things and finding these huge holes in my memories. Why cant I remember things that happened? I don't understand. I know other people who have gone through what I have....and they seem to be okay. They're living normally and aren't always haunted by their past. Why can't mine stop haunting me. I've alienated everyone with my sadness and my pain. No one wants to be around someone like me.....and I get it. I wouldn't want to be around me like this either. I hate it when I feel like this because all I want is for someone to understand and show me that it'll be okay. But no one understands. It was okay when he was around because he listened. I don't think he always understood, but it didn't bother him when I was sad. He didn't leave me because of that. He left because I held on too hard. I'm still holding on too hard. I was just so afraid this would happen...and it has. I don't know how to be okay without him. I feel raw and exposed and like I'm back at square one without him.