When Little Things Become A Challenge.

There is this constant pain I feel. It takes me over, body and mind. When I find myself alone and able to be with my thoughts, I begin to feel it. It becomes hard to breath, it would be easier to stop breathing. It feels as if I should cry but if I were to loose control the probability of me getting control again would be nearly impossible. It's all so dramatic, yet it's constant. I have two extremes, no medium. I can be at the height of happiness and feel completely safe and secure. Or I hit bottom and feel this uncontrollable sorrow. I feel like I'm alone in this. There should be a medium in there somewhere right? Shouldn't I be able to roll with the punches by now?

Not A Second Thought.

There was this girl, her name was unimportant. She was a mystery to most. There were few who had the pleasure to know her deepest thoughts. She questioned everything in life. Because of this she lived to be spontaneous. She tried to act before she questioned, in an effort to really live. But her brain would never stop. It only processed and wandered. There was one man who could help to calm her thoughts, but he didn't give her a second thought.

Waiting For The Answer.

She waited for her answer knowing it would still be days, if not weeks, before an answer would appear. Did she get in? Was her life finally going to go down the right path? The "correct" path as it had been called so many times before. Would fate throw her a bone or would there yet again be a river to cross. She was trying to figure out other options if it did not work out. But there were no others. This was it. She had to be accepted. It was time. It was her time.

Unclear.

It is unclear to me what I want. What I need will never be answered, but I do have to decide what I want. I can want to be drama-free. I can want to be unsociable. I can want to be understood. But I believe I want to feel, even if it is mostly pain I am feeling. I believe I want to be social, even if it is only to observe what others call normal. I believe I desire someone to want to understand me, but I will never fully open up.

Frustration.

She sat there with only thoughts and unclear memories. Reviewing the past, from what she remembered, and trying to find the missing pieces. Her breathing slowed and the pain began to build. Finally, after days of avoiding processing, she began to process all that had happened. The idea of this had been intense, but the fact that it had all actually happened was too much. It was never supposed to happen. It was only a thought, maybe a dream, an idea that had left her mind. What was there to do but drink and let the pain fill the void. She could not avoid dealing with this any longer. The pain was clawing to get out the way a lion claws to try and get out of a cage. So she lay there, bottle in hand, and sank into a pit of despair. She let the pain run through her body and with every breath, there was a little more pain.

Curveball.

You know when life throws you that curveball and it's one thats a little more delicate? Well I got thrown one of those. It's delicate in the way that it could change everything or nothing at all. But no matter what, it happened, and you cant take it back. But your not too sure you want to take it back. No I know I don't want to take it back.

Did He As She.

She wondered if he thought of her, the way she thought of him. She wondered if he meant the things he said; the way she meant the things she said.

Natural Light Assignment.

So I have to take this beginning digital photo class to get my associates this semester. I figured this class would be boring just because its a beginning photo class. I already have the basics down. But our assignment for this week was natural lighting and I'm actually learning a lot. I always look for the picture that someone else doesn't see. So for this assignment I was looking at more obvious photos. I was looking for light right in front of me. And I realized that there's so much I've been missing.

First Day at Starbucks.

Okay so I went back to my old store. But there were no jobs. I moved back right after the holidays. People were laying off, not hiring. So my old store took me back thankfully. But this store is a lot easier to work at than the one in Vancouver. My boss and everyone at the this store is a lot nicer.

What if...

What if we went back to before, when it all seemed so possible. Would we change anything? Would we want a different ending? All I know is that I wouldn't change a thing.

No Personal View.

She looked at the world as she always had. Thinking she had no personal view. She was especially unaware of the fact that she saw what most did not. As she grew older, she began to understand. Her views on life and how she saw things were truly extraordinary.

Too Dependent.

All my life I've been avoiding relationships and becoming too dependent on them. I see people who are in love and how they act. Most couples become so dependent on each other that if one of them left the others world would stop. That sounds terrifying to me. On the one hand to find someone you love that much must be an amazing experience. But what happens when the other person does leave? Is it worth it to go through all that pain? But I've also noticed that because I avoid becoming too dependent on one person I've become dependent on a lot of my friends. Which is maybe not so great just because sometimes I can be a bit intense. I don't know if I'll ever be able to depend on just one person. But I do know that I have some amazing friends.

New Apartment.

Okay so I've officially got my room set up. I took over Morgan's living room and made it home. Surprisingly, I love it. It's my first step to independence and I love that. I'm finally free in so many ways. My teenage years have left me along with my free meals, free rent, and laundry. But I accept this. I'm finally starting my life and I couldn't be happier.

Happy 2010!

So it is now the year 2010. We still don't have the technology we're supposed to. But I think we've come a long way from the year 2000. This past decade was a big one for me. It was my entire teenage experience. A lot happened. But I don't regret a single minute of it. Everything that happened, good or bad, made me who I am today.