Sorrow For The Dead.

The sorrow for the dead is the only sorrow from which we refuse to be divorced. Every other wound we seek to heal—every other affliction to forget; but this wound we consider it a duty to keep open—this affliction we cherish and brood over in solitude.

- Washington Irving (1783-1859)

A Part Of Me Is MIssing.

I keep waiting for you to call me or text me randomly like you used to. I keep thinking that maybe you just got a new phone or something and that's why I haven't heard from you. I can't seem to accept that you're really gone. It doesn't make sense to me that you're no longer able to just show up and surprise me. It doesn't make sense to me, the fact that you'll never hold me or whisper those words that always made me calm down when I was a wreck. It just doesn't make sense that I'll never be able to tell you or hear you say I love you. I miss you every day. Everything, all that I am is because of you. You showed me things that I never would have seen. Your love made me stronger and your faith in me made me believe in myself. Without you, I don't know who I'd be today. I wish you were here with me now, I need you more than ever and the fact that you cant be here is what hurts the most. A part of me is missing and I'll never get that part back.

Just Scream!

I feel contained and restricted. All I want to do is scream my head off, swear like a sailor, and then do something completely random, crazy, or reckless, or all 3 if I can make it happen. Maybe it's because I want a distraction, maybe it's because I know you wont be calling me anytime soon, or maybe it's because I'm not as ready to face reality as I thought I was. But once again, I am going to give in to this urge. Watch out, because this weekend is going to be crazy.

Fefe Dobson Overload.

Okay, so I'm totally in love with Fefe Dobson right now. So here's a couple of video's to get you in a Fefe loving mood too ;)

It's Time To Allow Depression To Take Over.

I'm tired of pretending everything is under control. I'm tired of making everyone think I'm totally okay. It's more exhausting than just being sad and it's also more painful. So just for a little while, I am going to drown in sorrow. I am just going to allow myself to be sad and not worry if someone else will notice. It's been a while, so most people aren't asking me if I'm okay anymore, which means most people probably wont notice, which is exactly what I want. I just want to be allowed to be sad without worrying if others are worrying. So maybe this will help me, I don't know what else there is to do.

Balance.

Ones life requires great thought, planning, and carefulness, for one wrong choice can upset the entire balance. Yet the notion to be reckless pops into my head more than any other.

The Time Has Come.

The time has come for me to go, but I'm not ready to do so. I have so much I wanted to do, so many people I wanted to see, so much I wanted to say, but time would not slow down for me and now I've run out of it. I will not get to go for another walk in the park and watch the swans dance around the lake, nor will I have another chance to watch the city move around me. I will not get another chance to sit upon the rooftop which I love so much, nor will I get to watch the float planes take off and land in a way that seems so graceful. Alas, I can feel this rip upon my soul, tearing as I further my distance between the life I loved so much here and this new life I live now. I feel confused and saddened. I love this new life I am apart of now, but I will always cherish my time in this place that gave me so much of myself. Parts that I thought had been lost forever, were found in such simple ways in this place I will always view as home.

If Only.

If only I could hold onto this. I'm trying so hard to memorize this moment. I'm breathing deeply through my nose for the smell. I'm listening silently so I can hear all the sounds this city makes. I'm looking around, barely blinking, trying to memorize everything I see. I even take a picture with my phone, though I know it will not be the same when I look at it later. If only I could hold onto this.

How I've Missed You So.

Oh Vancouver, How I've missed you so! I've missed your beauty, your inspiration, and your love. Your warm and kind citizens know how to embrace one so, and for that I will always have a special place for you. You never fail to inspire me in a new and exciting way each day. While here, not once have I felt a lacking in ideas. If only I could hold onto this feeling forever. This feeling that has come over me, which is full of happiness.

Snow Makes Everything New.

Today I arrived in Vancouver. How I've missed it so. The moment I arrived it began to snow, which made me ecstatic. I've missed snow and its beauty. I love how it can make everything look so different and how it can make everything new again. In some ways I hate disturbing the untouched snow, but I also love it. I hate it because its pretty, but I love it because it makes me feel adventurous and special in a way because I was the first person to be there and to disturb it.

Rare Moments Of Clarity.

‎"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive."

I relate to this quote because every time I'm happy, all I want to do is hold on to that moment, but it always slips away.

Lightning Has Struck.

Yes, that's right. I went out and got myself a tattoo. I got a lightning bolt on the inside of my left arm above my wrist. It's small and prefect. I love it. I got it because I wanted a power symbol. As a whole I think I'm a pretty strong person, but a lot of times I forget how strong I can be. I got the tattoo to remind me that I will always have the strength to overcome anything.

Gatsby.

Today I had this urge to watch The Great Gatsby. I love the story because it's tragic and it just goes to show how much love can blind you. I love happy endings as much as the next person, but I feel like when you have an amazing love sometimes it's bound to get messy. Not everyone can live happy ever after, which is why I like Gone With The Wind, The Great Gatsby, and Casablanca. They may all end up apart, but they had an epic romance and are all beautifully tragic. I find that I can relate to Gatsby, in the way of being your own enemy. I end up being my own demise all the time, just as Gatsby was.

"He had come a long way to this blue lawn, and his dream must have seemed so close that he could hardly fail to grasp it." - F. Scott Fitzgerald (The Great Gatsby)

Don't You Wanna Stay.

This song pretty much explains how I feel right now.