Another Side.

Days like today are hard. I want so badly to talk to you about things I know you don't want to talk about. I think if I had tried to have a conversation like this with you a few weeks ago, you might have been open to it. But now you're closed off, you've closed off a part of you to me. I don't really understand why. I don't know if I brought out a part of you, a part you aren't proud of, or if you're worried about what i'm thinking or if you just regret it or whats going on. The only thing I know is you're reacting badly....and its not what I thought would happen. I just need you right now. I want to talk to you. I feel like I just discovered this whole other side of you and all I wanna do is get to know it more. I want to understand it, but I cant because you wont let me. I wonder what would happen if I told you how I discovered this side. Would you be mad I read those blogs? I never would have understood them the way I understand them now. I wonder if you would be open and honest with me. Have I been open and honest with you? Perhaps....to a degree I have. I have told you about the main things, you were there for the main events. But lately, do you really know me at all? You've never been to my place. You don't know how I live. You don't now about the fact that I still sit in corners and cry when i'm overwhelmed. You don't know that I still freak out when people grab my shoulders. You don't know about the bad dreams I have. You don't know about the daily struggles I go through each day, just to survive. I don't tell you so much, yet I tell you more than most. So what does that mean? Am I being fair to you? Or am I being unfair? Do you deserve to know more? Should I have told you about Ben? The whole story. Should I tell you about how when you told me about being in love and how you felt when you held her, I was jealous because my person like that is dead and no one will ever be able to love me like that. Should I tell you about how it kills me to know the love I want so badly will never happen for me? Should I tell you about the fact that I love how deeply you feel about everything. I'm confused about you. I love you. Every time I find out something important about you, good or bad, it makes me love you more. You deserve happiness, love, joy and success. This love that I feel for you is pure. Not romantic, not contaminated, not selfish, just love. That aside, sometimes I think I may be in danger of falling in love with you and other days I cant wait until I feel about someone the way you feel about her. Sometimes I think you and I are the best thing. Sometimes I think you and I are the worst thing. But I cant ever imagine you not in my life. You are so essential and I don't know why. I don't know how this attachment grew. You're just such an amazing person, and so important to my being okay. Without you, it feels like it will all just fall apart. But with you, it feels like I will make it. That part is selfish. There is a part of me that is selfish with you. But I just want to know you openly. I just want to know what you're thinking and how you feel now. After reading those blogs, I now see there was this side to you that you've only ever shared once. I need to know more. I want you to tell me more. Do you still have these feelings? Is that why when I text you because i'm in pain....you don't run away? Do you feel this way? Are you in pain? Has this pain since left? How did you overcome it? Have I ever helped you when you felt this pain? Are you okay now? I'm worried. I'm worried about this part of you I didn't understand. I mean I know I knew about it, but I don't think I understood its depths. I never understood the depths of your pain. I am so sorry if I wasn't there for you. I wish I could just know when you need me, but I don't. You have to tell me, but I know you wont.