Facebook Status.

When did mourning someone become a trend? It's like it's fashionable to mourn over someone you barely knew. Oh someone I talked to once in high school died? Let's put RIP (person's name) as our status. I hate this. And a memorial page, really? Most of you actually say you stopped talking to him in high school. And then you have the nerve to say how much you'll miss him? You didn't miss him when he was alive. If he hadn't have died so suddenly, you might never have thought about him again. I know I should be happy that he's missed. But it makes me angry that all these people are talking about him like they knew him and knew what was going on when they had no idea. They have no right to comment on what's happened at all.

Past Tense.

I hate past tense. He was great. He used to be so happy. He was my best friend. He was. That's all people keep saying. Was. To most he will forever be in past tense. But for me, he is always going to be in my present. Is. He is someone I miss.

Stillness.

Death is final. There's no coming back, there's no second chance. At first I thought I was upset because I never got to say goodbye, but then I became upset because I should have never had to say goodbye. Death is unfair and there's no reason for it.

You Make Me Wanna Die.

So the video is a little crazy, but I love the song. The Pretty Reckless is the band. Check them out:

Sometimes.

Sometimes I feel scared for no reason at all. Sometimes my mind races and I imagine everything that could go wrong. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to not have dark thoughts. Sometimes I wonder if everything could be easier. I even sometimes wish I had a reason for being so scared, but all my reasons have long since passed and they should not be reasons any longer. So yes, sometimes I cry when I feel defeated by the world and everything scary in it. Sometimes I cry because I'm terrified about what might possibly happen next. Sometimes I want to call you just to say I'm scared, but what would you, could you say? Sometimes I want you to hold me and to say everything will be okay, even though it might not. Sometimes I want to tell you I'm not okay, but would that be unfair? Sometimes I am happy. Sometimes I feel free and adventurous. Sometimes I feel like I can accomplish anything. Sometimes I feel like I've transformed into someone way cooler than I ever thought I could be. Sometimes I feel smart and sexy. Sometimes I like being alone more than being with someone, but other times I'm terrified of being by myself. Sometimes is my life. There is no all the time. That's how I've been feeling lately. It's been up and down. All I really want is to be able to accept that this will be my life, but I sometimes wonder if I make it my life and if there's a secret. Maybe I have it all wrong and all I need to do is uncover the secret. But sometimes I feel hopeless, because I know there is no secret.

Whip It.

Okay so it took me long enough, but I finally got to watch the movie Whip It. It's fantastic! I like this movie because it has a great message; be your own hero. Plus it's all about girl power, who doesn't dig that right? But seriously, it's such a great movie. Ellen and Drew rocked this one. You need to check it out. Here's the trailer:



P.s. I totally need to go to a roller derby now. ASAP!!!

P.s.s. Today it has been 6 months since I've had a panic attack. Go me :)

Today Was A Crappy Day.

So among getting totally ripped apart by my teacher, breaking my glasses, finding out my dog has fleas, I also got a phone call from my ex boyfriend. I broke up with him recently and he hasn't talked to me since. That is, until last weekend when he told me over Facebook chat, yes I too thought it was very casual in a good way, that he was now "okay" and that he wanted to be friends again. So since he had decided to be casual about this, I could only assume that he was ready to be friends again, which made me happy because I like having him as a friend. You would think that I would learn by now that just because someone says they want to be friends, it doesn't mean that they just want to be friends. But no, I once again chose to be blind. So today I posted a Facebook status simply saying that I had a crappy day and within about a minute, literally, I got a phone call from none other than the man himself. He wanted to check on me and see how I was. But this led to more talking and he took advantage of this weak moment and used it to his advantage. By the end of this conversation I determined two things. The first is that he and I will never be friends again. He will always want more. The second is that I have forgotten my rule about Facebook. I made a rule about a year and a half ago to limit the amount of information I put onto Facebook. If I put too much information or if I post a status that is too informative about my feelings, thoughts, emotions, or whereabouts then I will pay the price. Someone will always use that information in a negative way. So once again I must crawl back into a hole of self knowledge and limit who knows what. I let my guard down and I instantly got reminded of what happens when I do. I wont be letting my guard down again any time soon. Oh , I also forgot to mention that I am on a guy time out. Yes that's right, I've decided to take this whole next session and focus on myself. I think it'll be a nice change, though there have been doubts. Some say I wont last, but I'm determined this time. If for no other reason than the fact that I really just need an emotional break. I don't care how relaxed, open, commitment free a relationship is, there's always drama. Even just casually dating a guy is overly stressful. So for now I'm just going to focus on what's important.

If I Die Young.

I am in love with this song. Check it out:

And She's back.

It's been a while since I've written and I apologize for that. Moving was crazy and things just got insane. But let me catch you up. In July I just spent time working, hanging out with all of my friends and making sure I got to see everyone I love. In August I went back to Vancouver for a month and packed up all my stuff there so I could bring it all down to California. I also got to bring my dog Holly back down with me, which is awesome! During my time in Vancouver I got to catch up with all my friends and I really had a great time. I missed Vancouver and it was great to see everyone. At the end of august my dad, sister and I drove the rest of my stuff down to California. I also made another move in between all this, I now live in Santa Barbara. I moved just after I got back from Vancouver, which was just in time for me to start my first session at Brooks Institute. Brooks Institute is intense. There are deadlines that can be really hard to meet and its super expensive. But it's also an amazing school. I'm loving every minute of it. For the first time in a while I feel like I'm where I should be and I feel like I'm finally on track. I moved here with a friend and were sharing a two bedroom. That hasn't been working out too well, but it can't all be prefect right? Any ways, I plan to continue with the plans to the side, I just needed a break. So hopefully you'll start reading this again and thanks for the support. Oh and yes, I did have to transfer to the Starbucks here, so once again I'm a barista. But I'm okay with it because my boss said I could hang one of my photographs up on the wall for customers to see, which is so exciting. It's my first wall hanging in a public place, so I'm pretty stoked.

The World Should Stop.

Whenever something bad happens in my life, I forget everything for a second. I drop what ever it is I'm doing and just reflect or accept or process what it is that has happened. Sometimes all I need is a minute, but sometimes it can take me longer. Sometimes I need a day and sometimes I need a lot longer. But the whole world just doesn't stop because something bad happened to you on that day. No, the world will keep going. The earth will keep spinning and people will keep living their lives as if nothing has changed. So what do you do if you can't stop the world, but for the moment your world is stopped? You hope that when you can finally start living again you wont have missed too much.

It Took Me By Surprise.

Just when I was happy and it was really going well, this emotion comes over me. It happens every time I let myself be happy. Maybe when I'm happy I get too reckless, or maybe I'm just not meant to be so happy. Maybe the best I can expect is middle of the road. No more sadness, but no greatness either. I want to say my peak of happiness is worth the pain that follows, but this cannot go on forever. Eventually I need the triggers to stop. Eventually I need to move forward. What if it never happens. What if I'm stuck in this constant cycle? This is no way to live.

Words.

Who has words at the right moment?

Charlotte Bronte (1816-1855)

This Ain't No Disco, It Ain't No Country Club Either, This Is LA!

Hey so I'm, just about ready to hit up LA for the weekend with my mom and sister. It'll be a great weekend, enjoy yours as well. Here's a great one to start it off right:

Relationships.

Every kind of relationship I have....needs work. I've fallen into a me pattern once again. I think about myself way too often these days. Yes, I'm working on myself and trying to find where I want to be in this world. But I've become obsessed with working on myself. Lately I've been worried about a lot of things in my own life, which is fine. But I've let it affect my relationships. My friends are being neglected and that's awful. People depend on me and I've been letting them down. But no more. I will be less focused on myself and more on what's important. I try and be as observant as possible, but I feel like because I'm trying to see everything, I'm missing the big picture all together. Sure I notice all the details everyone else doesn't, but that doesn't mean anything if I'm not seeing what everyone else is.