Keith.

I watched the movie Keith today, it made me think of Ben. Everything makes me think of him. He haunts me in a way that sends tears to my eyes instantly. It's like the moment I think of him, I instantly get stabbed in the stomach and nothing else matters. Nothing seems important anymore. I've felt like this before and it scares me because the last time I felt like this nothing mattered. The things I did, the people I hurt, the pain I caused, all of it was because I just didn't care. My life has become too important to not care. If I stop caring now, i'll loose everything. It will all go away. Disapear. I cant loose everything all over again. It was so hard to go through what I went through last time, all the emotions I never understood. But now these deep, controlling emotions are back, and I'm at a loss about what to do. I could start taking something, but would that help? I could talk to someone, but most are gone now. Those that have stayed with me, well they don't deserve for me to put them through my pain again. Most are happy right now, excelling in their lives, which I find to be a beautiful and amazing thing. I guess the only thing that is left is hope. Hopefully I can be strong enough to control these emotions. I have to fight them and be stronger, I need to be strong. If only it was as easy to do as it is to type.