Want U Back.

This is one of her singles after being on the X-Factor. Love it!

Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word.

I love this girl. She's awesome and this combo she sang is amazing. Love it!

I Love You Anyway.

I've never known a man like you
A man who can hold my interest for as long as you do
A man who can make me crazy
You know exactly how to push me
You never know quite what to say, but baby that's okay
I still love you anyway

Your eyes cause intensity
Your lips kiss so tenderly
Your arms hold me and comfort me
Baby, your love overwhelms me

The way you can talk about a subject
The passion in your words
I wanna be someone you talk about like that
I wanna inspire you, impress you
I want you to want to do the same

You hurt me with your words
You hurt me with your silence
You hurt me with your choices
But none of this means anything, because at the end of the day
Baby, I love you anyway

Call Me Maybe.

Totally stuck in my head right now.

Nothing's Real But Love.

So true.

Hallelujah.

I like both versions :)

This Heart's Not Your Skipping Stone.

I love her.

Last Night.

Last night you touched me, you held me, you made me feel safe. Last night you protected me from myself. Last night you were what I needed you to be. I miss last night. I miss the kiss on the forehead that made this overwhelming sense of calm and safety pour over me. I miss how comfortable I was. I miss how you kissed me, the tenderness and the love. I want last night to be every night. I want you. I want us. I don't want this reality. I don't want last night to be something that only happens once a year. I want you to hold me every night. But I know that's not what you want. I know I'm not what you need. I wish I could be. But I'm selfish and I'm a mess. I wish I could say that I'll change, but I wont. I'll always be a mess, a disappointment. I cant be dependable and you need dependable. But just so you know, right here, right now, I loved every moment of last night and I wouldn't take it back. I know it was wrong. I know I should feel guilty and ashamed, but I don't. I'm so thankful I got last night. Some people never get anything at all, but I had last night. I got to see you look at me the way you so rarely let yourself look at me. I got to see the side of you that shows love, strength, and tenderness. I had you.

I Need You.

The pain inside of me cuts like a knife. Today I feel utterly alone. I put myself in this position. I made it be this way. I cut people off. I pushed everyone away. Right now I really need you, but you're not here. Why? Because I just screwed it all up. I just did the one thing that would make you disappear. I did it without even realizing I did it. I didn't mean to screw it all up, but I never do. I just create these problems. I create these messes that I know are complicated. You have a girlfriend. I shouldn't have done that. I knew what I was doing the moment you opened the door. I saw how you looked at me and I knew. I knew and I still let it happen. I knew you would regret it, but I also knew I wanted it. I know I still want it. But I cant tell you that because right now you might just back off. But if I were to tell you what I really want, you'd leave. You'd leave and you wouldn't look back. That is something that I couldn't bear. I need you in my life. I need you to be here. I'm not sure when I grew this attachment. I'm not sure when you became apart of my heart and soul, but you have. Without you, it hurts. There is this emptiness and this void and I don't know how to get rid of it. I don't know how to stop wanting you. I've tried everything. But at the end of the day, I still need you.

Failure.

Today I failed. Today I utterly disappointed everyone that has been depending on me. So many people who need me to stay on track. So many people who worked so hard to get me on a path, the right path. There's so much pressure to succeed, to do the right things. I am not a strong person. I am weak. Yet, the people around me continue to depend on me and constantly expect me to overcome my obstacles. But lately I keep getting beat down and I'm just so tired of getting up. I'm tired of fighting a constant battle. I just want to stay down. Is that so bad? I just want to disappear. I just want to find a place of normalcy. I just want a regular reality where constant pain and disappointment isn't apart of it. I just want my life in grade 10. That was when my life was normal. That's when things made sense. That's when the worst of my problems was what I was going to buy my boyfriend for his birthday. That was when I was truly happy. I want that back. But I'll never get it back and that kills me inside. I miss you. Today I really need you, but you've left me alone and I am lost.

Times They Are A-Changin.

I Didn't Know.

I remember how you took me to see the notebook twice, just because you knew how much I loved it. You didn't care that it was a chick flick, you just liked seeing me happy. You were always good at making me happy. I didn't know how amazing you were, I didn't understand what I know now. I'm so sorry I let it all go. I'm so sorry that I didn't appreciate how easy it was for us. You knew, you understood how important a connection like ours was, you were willing to fight for it. You were always a few steps ahead of me, that's for sure. I miss having someone who knew me better than I did. You always knew what to say or what not to say. You showed me compassion and love. I miss having someone love the little things about me. I miss the way you loved me. I miss you.

The List.

Well when I first started writing this blog I made a lost of 101 things I wanted to do in 1001 days. Some of the items were hard, some easy. I only got 47 done, but now it's time to make another list...hopefully I will get more done on the next one.


The mission: to complete all 101 things in 1001 days.
Start date: 6/21/09
End date: 3/18/12

Line = Done!!!
Bold = Working on it currently.

1. Exercise will become a common ritual. I will either complete a good hour of yoga, go for a nice long run to clear my head, or will at least hit the gym for a solid workout. I will become more active in my life.
2. I will not lie to myself.
3. Post a blog as much as possible to keep you all posted on my progress if nothing else.
4. Take as many pictures as possible. I've been avoiding digital photography for some reason I can't explain. But I’m done hiding behind film.
5. Stop feeling guilty about people caring about me. They are allowed to.
6. I will get rid of my fear of phone talking. I really need to get over being so awkward on the phone.
7. Read other blogs as much as possible. I want to know what other people's views are on the world and everything else.
8. Put $5 away for every goal that I complete.
9. Read the newspaper. You would think that someone who wants to possibly be in journalism would read the newspaper on a regular basis. But no, I have for some reason failed at doing this. So I will start to read the newspaper on a daily basis.
10. Get lost often.....you have to keep life interesting.
11. Do something for someone else as much as possible. I'm pretty well off compared to most and doing something for someone can be so simple. The smallest things can mean the world to some people.
12. Buy and read as many books as I can.
13. Fall in love with something or someone.
14. Carry a book of quotes and write one on a piece of paper and place it on every bulletin board I see.
15. Take care of my nails, which means no more biting them and when the nail polish gets chipped I’ll actually bother to take it off and re-paint them.
16. I will finally switch back clothes with Nikki...it's time lol.
17. Get a job as a photographer.
18. Actually use my flickr account. I made it and haven’t been on it since.
19. Finnish Morgan’s list before I move.
20. Give half of my clothes to Good Will before I move. I need to lighten my load.
21. Finally buy the 50D.
22. Get an internship at either a photo studio or a newspaper/magazine. I need to start focusing and get going if I want to end up somewhere good in the photography industry.
23. Organize my Ipod....it's a mess.
24. Write a letter to my Nana and Papa.
25. Go on a road trip which isn’t planned for a week.
26. Go on a planned road trip…it must include driving through Kentucky.
27. Quit Starbucks.
28. Dance in the moonlight to Dancing in the Moonlight.
29. Dance in the rain.
30. Put a photo show together.
31. Watch the sunrise with someone who will appreciate it as much as I will.
32. Have a day of silence. No matter what I will not speak a word for those 24 hours.
33. Get a professional massage.
34. Drink champagne with a swirly straw.
35. Get a tattoo.
36. Go a week without using my phone....that will be difficult.
37. Send a message in a bottle.
38. Find the perfect tree. By which I mean, find the tree that puts all other tree’s to shame. There’s a tree out there that would amaze anyone whose looking for it. I will find that perfect tree.
39. Plant a tree in honor of someone great.
40. Drink nothing but water for a week.
41. Do not use the microwave for a week.
42. Befriend someone I cant stand.
43. Discover 10 things I love about myself.
44. Stay up for 24 hours talking to someone I just met.
45. Inspire someone.
46. Go a week without texting
47. Discover a new music artist once a week.
48. Write my initials on all my $5 bills.
49. Walk into an elevator and don’t turn around, just face the other people.
50. Become pen pals with someone awesome.
51. Read every Nicholas Sparks book.
52. Read every Jane Austen books, I’ve only read 2.
53. .Borrow a book from the public library more and more often.
54. Watch all the Godfather movies. For years now I’ve been saying that I would watch them. (2 out of 3 complete)
55. Watch Across the Universe. I avoided it for a while because half my friends told me that watching it would kill my love for the Beatles and the other half said it was amazing. I think I need to decide for myself.
56. Watch In To The Wild.
57. Stop Smoking.
58. Watch 25 never-seen-by-me movies from top 250 imdb movie list
59. Watch every episode of It's Always Sunny in Phili. (halfway done)
60. Take a painting class...or drawing. I would love to take a painting class but I’m horrible at drawing, so maybe I should start with drawing and work my way up.
61. Learn the harmonica. I've started but I can only play the blues...by learn I mean i want to be able to rock out on the thing, not just get by.
62. Get back on track concerning school.
63. Enroll at Brooks Institute of Photography.
64. Learn more about my heritage. My mom went on a search to find her birth mom and found a huge family in the process. Turns out she’s Chippewa and therefore so am I. I'm going to focus on learning what that means. I want to understand more about what my family members believe.
65. Try and visit as many art galleries and museums as possible. Seeing what other people have done is amazing.
66. Expand my vocabulary and give 100,000 grains of rice with http://www.freerice.com/.
67. Take a cooking class. I can get away with baking and anything that's microwavable, so i think its time i change that.
68. Make 25 of my own recipes.
69. Be in 2 places at once. **I was at work and school**
70. Post 5 videos created by me on this blog.
71. Make a soundtrack to my life.
72. Try Hot Yoga.
73. Train my dog, Holly.
74. Put change in other peoples parking meters when their meter is expired but no one is in sight.
75. Learn how to play poker properly.
76. Watch An Inconvenient Truth
77. Try a new restaurant at least once every 2 weeks.
78. Send a postcard to Post Secret.
79. Join Postcrossing and send 50 post cards.
80. Go to an Opera. Phantom Of The Opera does NOT count.
81. Ride a Mechanical Bull.
82. Have someone read my palm.
83. Sell something on Etsy.
84. Sell a picture I’ve taken.
85. Buy a fisheye lens.
86. Learn how to finally blow smoke rings.
87. Complete a self portrait.
88. Attend 5 services, each one for different religions. 1/5
89. Read a newspaper from the day I was born.
90. Keep my room clean for a month.
91. Compile a personal top 25 movie list.
92. Recount 3 dreams through an art project.
93. Photograph a scar and write about it.
94. Watch Samson and Delilah.
95. Learn to write my name in Egyptian hieroglyphics.
96. Sleep under the stars one night, under the open sky.
97. Visit Seattle.
98. Learn to drive a stick shift.
99. See 5 local bands I’ve never heard of.
100. Be able to identify at least 5 constellations.
101. Finnish this list.

How Much More?

I have to work with this group, 3 other people. One of the members is this guy that is beyond disrespectful and basically termed a non-functioning stoner. The other two are a pair of girls who, when put together, might as well be the only ones in the room. Sure we get along, the girls and I, but if it came down to it they'd throw me off the boat so fast I wouldn't even know what was happening until I was in the water. The guy, the NFS, used to be chill. But then when we started working together, things changed. Since we started school, I've helped him with numerous projects. I've helped him when no one else would, I've helped him when it was a pass or fail the class situation. So it astonishes me how he's acting. I'm really not too sure what happened, it might have been me dating his roommate, but then dumping the guy once I realized he was stalker crazy. Or it might just be he's simply decided he hates me. But either way he's lost all respect for me and he treats me that way. It's not just a hatred thing, its a respect thing. Do I care if he likes me or not? No. But I do care how he treats me. He talks down to me, yells at me, embarrasses me, and criticizes everything I do. I just need it to stop. We did an interview project 3 days ago and the whole time he was super unprofessional. He talked to me in such a disgusting way that everyone we interviewed was uncomfortable. Plus he doesn't have a car so I drove him there and back and he was just so ungrateful about the whole thing. I wanted to leave him in Ventura and let him figure out his own way home, but I would never have the balls to do that, which unfortunately he knows. Then yesterday while editing it was even worse. He yelled at me and called me an idiot in front of all of these people. It was just terrible. It's been 2 days in a row that he's made me cry, but it will not happen a third day. If that means I have to get so baked that I can barely walk straight just so it wont affect me when he talks to me the way he has been, so be it. I refuse to give him the satisfaction of hurting me anymore. Whatever his problem is, he needs to deal with it. But I still have another project to do with this group before the class ends, wether or not we can work together, I don't know. I really just want to do my own thing, but it's video so you really cant do it alone. It's all just so much unnecessary stress that I so don't need right now.