Your Touch.

I miss your touch, the connection, the love. When we were together you made me feel sexy, beautiful, and strong. I miss the way your touch told me everything I needed to know about you. You were loving, caring, strong, and protective. You knew how to make me feel comfortable and at ease, which is task no one else has mastered. Somehow you knew how to stop my mind and how to make me forget and focus on what was happening then at that moment. It was a gift. I have never felt as safe as I did in those moments. If only you could be forgiving. For someone to love me and to be able to stay around they must be forgiving. Sadly you could not forgive my many faults and that is something I cannot forgive. But on nights like this, I still miss you, your touch, your love, and us.

1 + 1

I love this song. I couldn't find the music video, so I'm just posting the audio. This song is so beautiful.

It's Time.

So today I booked my ticket to fly into Calgary. I am going to say goodbye to him. I will visit him and tell him how much he was loved and say goodbye. Wow. I just realized i'll be saying goodbye. It's so final, goodbye. But then again, so is death, they go hand in hand. I've only ever said a final goodbye once before, and that was to my grandfather. But I was a lot younger and I didn't really understand the concept of death and what it meant. At least not like I do now. Right now I miss him and I want to call him, sometimes I call his cell number, but it has been disconnected for a while now. I have yet to erase him from my phone. But even with no contact, in the back of my mind he could just be busy or have a new number. I still think maybe he'll call today and this whole thing will just be this huge mistake. But that doesn't happen in real life and I need to accept this. So I will go and I will try and accept what has happened. I only hope it wont destroy me in the process.

Another Day, Another Struggle.

Today was hard. I wanted to tell you about this project I'm working on and I wanted you to know about my life. All I want to do is share it with you. But your not around anymore. Your not even a phone call away, which I still don't accept. I look at the stars and I want so badly for you to be somehow seeing me. I just need you to know I miss you. It's become so selfish, these feelings of loss, regret, sadness, guilt, and so much more. But as hard as I try, I'll always be selfish. So for this reason alone, I selfishly continue to miss you.

My Self Portrait.

I Love You.

I love you and will continue to love you in a way no one else ever will. You were and are my everything. I breath because you give me the strength to take a breath. I find the courage to take a breath when I don't want to because you taught me how to keep breathing through the pain.

Skyscraper.

So don't judge me for this, but I totally love this song. It's beyond empowering and beautiful. It shows a strength so many people need. I relate to it much too well. People will do anything to tear you down, but you need to find a way to keep going past them. Thats what this song is about.

Don't Hold Your Breath.

This is for all the women out there that can relate to this song. Stay strong, don't go back. You deserve better, we all do.

Peanut Butter And Jelly.

It started off simple, two friends who got along as well as peanut butter and jelly. Soon friends transformed into something much deeper, soul mates. The evolution of their love was epic. They went through the kind of hardships that most would break over, but instead they fought through them and stood strong together. They felt the pain of death, but it made them realize the beauty of each other. When one failed, the other helped them to succeed and vice versa. They dealt with betrayal from the outside world, but together they moved past it. They also felt an overwhelming amount of passion for each other. They longed to hold each other. They longed to inspire each other. They longed to create happiness for each other.

Salvation, Where Art Thou?

I'm drowning. In your memory, in my sorrow, confusion, stillness, regret, and unanswered questions that haunt me. It's all becoming too much. It hurts. It isn't going away, only amplifying. Will visiting you be enough? Will I be able to get past this? Maybe it's not something I can do on my own. Maybe I need more. I'm not sure anymore. I only know that tonight was hard. All I do is think. I get imprisoned in my brain sometimes, and when that happens it goes dark. I need salvation, I need it before I ruin these things that are so good. My life is good. I'm in a good place, nothing can change this. I'll do whatever I need to, in order to protect where I am in my life right now.

Just Tonight.

A Single Moment.

People just keep fading away. The just drift off and soon they aren't calling you back, writing you back, soon you've lost all contact. I've never really understood why people just fade away after a while. I've never known a time where I didn't have a moment for a friend, but I suppose that's because I understand what that moment could mean to someone. A single moment is all it takes for someone to make a life-altering decision. A single moment.

Paper Aeroplane.

I love this.

Keith.

I watched the movie Keith today, it made me think of Ben. Everything makes me think of him. He haunts me in a way that sends tears to my eyes instantly. It's like the moment I think of him, I instantly get stabbed in the stomach and nothing else matters. Nothing seems important anymore. I've felt like this before and it scares me because the last time I felt like this nothing mattered. The things I did, the people I hurt, the pain I caused, all of it was because I just didn't care. My life has become too important to not care. If I stop caring now, i'll loose everything. It will all go away. Disapear. I cant loose everything all over again. It was so hard to go through what I went through last time, all the emotions I never understood. But now these deep, controlling emotions are back, and I'm at a loss about what to do. I could start taking something, but would that help? I could talk to someone, but most are gone now. Those that have stayed with me, well they don't deserve for me to put them through my pain again. Most are happy right now, excelling in their lives, which I find to be a beautiful and amazing thing. I guess the only thing that is left is hope. Hopefully I can be strong enough to control these emotions. I have to fight them and be stronger, I need to be strong. If only it was as easy to do as it is to type.