Congrats Canada!!!

So there I was at work, waiting for the answer. Which team would take control? I wanted Canada to win for so many reasons. They deserved to win and it would be our chance to show the world. Everyone has been so hard on Canada and it's involvement with the Olympics this year. I wanted Canada to shine in everyone else's eyes the way it does in mine. It's an amazing country, full of amazing people. So when I got the text message that Canada had taken control and won 3-2 in over time, I was so proud. It's a great accpmplishment for Canada and it helped to end the Olympics on a great note.

Plus it's exactly 10 months until my 21st birthday. So it must be a sign that my birthday will be amazing!!!

Socially Greedy

So once again I am feeling left out. I've been feeling left out ever since the Olympics started. Just 4 months ago I was complaining how I wanted to be back in Orange County. But now that i'm in Orange County, all I want to do is go back to Vancouver. I guess I will always be socially greedy. I just always want to be everywhere at once. Maybe it's because i'm so curious. I just always want to see what's going on. When ever someone tells me about an event, I always wish I was there.

Without Suffering, No Compassion.

To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose, the next best.
William Makepeace Thackeray (1811-1863)

I wish we could all win. Everyone deserves someone. I wish life was fair and that everyone could be happy all the time. I've been told that without suffering, there's no compassion. But we wouldn't need compassion then, so why does that matter? We love people for who they are, not for what they've been through. I think the most unfair thing is to love and then lose that love. I know people have said that it's the opposite, but I don't understand why. Wouldn't it be better to be kept in the dark then? That way you wouldn't know what your missing. When you love and then loose, it's as if your body and mind are under a constant attack. Your mind wanders, your body shakes and feels weak, and your heart aches. It feels like you should stop breathing because each breath hurts a little more. I mean the memories are great, but it hurts more to know that we wont have anymore. I wouldn't give up those memories now that I have them, but If I had a choice before and I knew the ending, I would have chosen not to have them. Now I'm scared and wishing i'd know your okay and everything will be alright. But thats not how it works. That would be fair and i'd be happy.

When His Guard Is Down.

Every once in a while a guy will open up and let his guard down and decide to tell me something personal. Each time this happens I find it to be an amazing experience. Maybe it means more to me than it should, but I find it to be a very eye widening experience. When a guy opens up to me, it's as if he's bearing everything. It's not like when most girls share, it seems to be easier for women to share their feelings and thoughts. But when a guy shares it's an intense trust that you've earned and what ever it is that he's deciding to tell you will change your entire outlook about him, usually for the better. Some guys view sharing what's on their mind or their problems as a weakness, but I find it to not only be attractive, but also very strengthening.

To Dance In A Store.

There was an empty store, only the couple who were madly in love and the barista making the drinks. As the couple were talking about something unimportant, a Frank Sinatra song came on. It was slow and romantic, the kind you play at a wedding. So the man took his dates hand and asked her to dance. She seemed surprised, but the smile on her face was enough to let the man know she was happy he had asked. They swayed along with the music and got caught up in their feelings of love and desire. It was a movie scene, surreal and wonderful. It was a moment I only hope to have one day.

Clouds And Doors.

Have you ever noticed how amazing clouds are? I find them so amazing. They're like a snowflake, every one is different. There's a storm coming in to Orange County right now, so we have these big dark clouds hovering above us. But since it's pre-storm we also have the sun shining through. It's making for some awesome pictures. I think I love clouds so much because they can be so dramatic. I also like them because I feel like theyr're unappreciated. No one ever looks up anymore. Everyone always has somewhere to be. Next chance you get look up at the sky. What ever you see will be beautiful.

I also love to photograph doors. They have such history behind each of them. Where did the door come from? Whose gone through the door? What's happened behind the door? If doors could talk, I'm sure it would be worth listening to.

Doogie Rocks It!

So I just watched an episode of Doogie Howser for the first time and I actually really enjoyed it. I think I'll probably look into this show a little further. Also on the list of shows I need to watch is Lost. I told myself I wouldn't get sucked into the fan club, but then I watched an episode. It's just so dramatic and thought provoking. I love it! Anyways, here's the episode of Doogie Howser that I watched.

Looking Back.

Blogging really is a great idea. It's a way for you to share your deep thoughts and it's a way for you to share ideas as they come. I've been looking over some past entries and it takes me back to which ever day I wrote the entry. I like this because its helps me remember. I sometimes get caught up in one thing that I forgot another. Plus, it lets me see how I've grown/ how I need to still grow in a lot of aspects. It's a way for me to look back at different view points I've had in the past.

Underrated Country.

People don't ever enjoy the simple things in life anymore. Things run at such a high pace these days, people are always on the move. Most people my age aren't too fond of Country music, but I love it. It's simple and enjoyable. I also like the fact that it can be very visual. Most times a song will paint a picture or a movie to play in your head as you listen along. I like that. Plus you can always sing along to Country.

Adventure Day.

So today I am feeling the need for adventure. When ever I get stressed out the best thing for me to do is to open my mind. Either going to a museum or somewhere I've never been before usually does the trick. I was originally going to meet up with my friend and go to the Flea Market off of Fairfax in LA, but sadly that adventure will be temporarily postponed until next week. So instead I'm thinking the Santa Ana Zoo. I didn't even know it existed until this morning, so I figure it's an excellent idea.

Life Is A Struggle.

Nothing is ever easy or simple. Most things that are worth anything require work. My education requires a lot of work because it's worth more than most. I have to fight. I'm a fighter. I don't just give up and say thank you I'll go away now. No I will fight until I find my answer, what ever it may be. I will find a solution. Not just where my education is concerned, but with everything I'm having troubles with. I'll be okay. I always am. I'm still here aren't I? That says a lot about me I suppose, or maybe not. But the point is that I need to know everything will be okay. So I'll tell myself everyday if I have to, "It's going to be okay."

The Pressure Is On.

Why is it when you have all the time in the world, you become road blocked? But when you have a solid hour to do way more than you can, you become inspired. It's crazy! So I just applied to the Art Center College Of Design and I have to say, my essay answers were damn good...I hope. But I'm also applying to the Brooks Institute. I didn't fill out my application for Brooks yet though because I'm not too sure which concentration I want. They have so many amazing programs to choose from. Right now I've narrowed it down to Portraiture or Photo Media. Portraiture would be good because I love people and I would love to learn every aspect of taking portraits. But Photo Media would be good because I love learning about digital post-production and it covers photography, film, and the computer. So i'd get to learn all aspects which would be amazing. Job wise I have no idea which one would be better. But my friend gave me the advice to worry about the job later. Go to school for what I want and then find a job with the skills I have. But I still have no idea which one to pick. So I have to set up meetings with both schools. So hopefully I hear from them soon and I can stop worrying about school so much. I'm obsessing over it and I know it's going to drive me mad.

A Bad Day Can Shed More Light Than A Good Day.

So today was awful. I found out I didn't get accepted to Long Beach State, my ex boyfriend wouldn't stop asking me out for valentines day, the Olympics start today, I'm broke, work was super busy and we were understaffed. I've been so excited about staying here and going to school near my sister. I was making all these great plans. But now they're all a waste. I've spent two Valentines Days with my ex boyfriend and both were bad. Plus after everything he's done, I need to stay far away from him. I wish I was in Vancouver so bad some days. I really do miss the days I spent walking to the aquarium through the park. I wish I had been able to stay for the Olympics. I'm missing so much by not being there. I'm missing out on so many opportunities. I just wish I could be in two places at once sometimes. And as far as work is concerned, that was a disaster. It was just so busy. Plus I was only working with one other person the whole night, which is such a bad idea on friday nights. But on the other side of things, I realized I actually have some good friends. I mean I know I have a good bunch here, but for some reason they were just here for me today. I really just needed some people to say were here for you, and they did just that. Some of them have no idea they did this, but I think that's what makes it even better. So thanks to all of you who decided to let me know your here for me. I appreciate it more than you'll ever know.

Disappointment Never Gets Easier.

I made my plans. I finally had a journey I felt good about. Why couldn't this one thing workout for me? Life is a mystery I wish I understood just a little more. Just so I could know why the things that I become so dependent on go wrong or go away. Long Beach was the plan. It was a good one. I felt good about it. Now the plan is broken. It can no longer be. Why? Because yet again my bones from the past have been dug up. If I hadn't have left, I would have had another semester at Saddleback and then maybe with a higher GPA I would have gotten in. But no, I took the easy way out and ran away. This is my price I suppose. Now it's either Fullerton or San Francisco. But I don't feel half as good about either of those. San Francisco was my old plan, but I made it when I was someone else. It may not be the right plan for me anymore. What if I go and it's wrong? I've already fallen behind. I can't keep falling. I thought I was done falling.

When Little Things Become A Challenge.

There is this constant pain I feel. It takes me over, body and mind. When I find myself alone and able to be with my thoughts, I begin to feel it. It becomes hard to breath, it would be easier to stop breathing. It feels as if I should cry but if I were to loose control the probability of me getting control again would be nearly impossible. It's all so dramatic, yet it's constant. I have two extremes, no medium. I can be at the height of happiness and feel completely safe and secure. Or I hit bottom and feel this uncontrollable sorrow. I feel like I'm alone in this. There should be a medium in there somewhere right? Shouldn't I be able to roll with the punches by now?

Not A Second Thought.

There was this girl, her name was unimportant. She was a mystery to most. There were few who had the pleasure to know her deepest thoughts. She questioned everything in life. Because of this she lived to be spontaneous. She tried to act before she questioned, in an effort to really live. But her brain would never stop. It only processed and wandered. There was one man who could help to calm her thoughts, but he didn't give her a second thought.

Waiting For The Answer.

She waited for her answer knowing it would still be days, if not weeks, before an answer would appear. Did she get in? Was her life finally going to go down the right path? The "correct" path as it had been called so many times before. Would fate throw her a bone or would there yet again be a river to cross. She was trying to figure out other options if it did not work out. But there were no others. This was it. She had to be accepted. It was time. It was her time.

Unclear.

It is unclear to me what I want. What I need will never be answered, but I do have to decide what I want. I can want to be drama-free. I can want to be unsociable. I can want to be understood. But I believe I want to feel, even if it is mostly pain I am feeling. I believe I want to be social, even if it is only to observe what others call normal. I believe I desire someone to want to understand me, but I will never fully open up.

Frustration.

She sat there with only thoughts and unclear memories. Reviewing the past, from what she remembered, and trying to find the missing pieces. Her breathing slowed and the pain began to build. Finally, after days of avoiding processing, she began to process all that had happened. The idea of this had been intense, but the fact that it had all actually happened was too much. It was never supposed to happen. It was only a thought, maybe a dream, an idea that had left her mind. What was there to do but drink and let the pain fill the void. She could not avoid dealing with this any longer. The pain was clawing to get out the way a lion claws to try and get out of a cage. So she lay there, bottle in hand, and sank into a pit of despair. She let the pain run through her body and with every breath, there was a little more pain.