Too Far.

Okay so picture this; your on a date. This guy takes you to this cute romantic cafe. He then pulls out his iPhone so he can "check in". By doing so, it then gets posted on Facebook. So because he's checking something on his phone, you check your Facebook on your phone and see this in among with the latest status updates. So you "like" it. Does this seem weird to anyone else at all? I mean come on. Don't you think that's a little far? Shouldn't you be talking on your date? This does not count as acceptable date conversation. And what is this latest obsession with people needing to know where you are at all times? It's not normal. If it was, we'd all be wearing tracking devices.

Today's Quote.

Silence may be as variously shaded as speech.
Edith Wharton (1862-1937)

I Should Have Known Something Was Coming.

All month I've been listening to songs about death, not on purpose, and on monday morning I was actually thinking about him and how I was going to call him later that night. Of course, there was no answer. All month I've been seeing these suicide ads and all month I've been seeing sadness and loneliness. More and more I've realized that most students that go to my school are way less off than I. Most don't have any real friends here. And I've been thinking how important friendship is. I had no idea the universe was trying to warn me that death was around the corner. If only I had known or paid more attention to the signs. Yesterday I had to leave work early because on my half I started crying and once I start it's hard for me to stop. I can't focus on my assignments and I have no idea how I'm going to have everything done in time for tomorrow. I have to shoot my creative but I cant think of anything worth while. My minds blocked. Everything goes back to him. I want to ask for an extension, but I'm not sure I'll do any better next week.

Loving From A DIstance.

It's hard sometimes, moving so much. I find that when I move people automatically assume that I will vanish, as most people do. I try very hard to not become the silence that lingers after someone leaves you and to stay in contact. I try to make sure those that I love know that they are loved. If they could all move with me when I go somewhere, it would be perfect. But sadly they cannot, and I cannot always stay in contact on a regular basis. I do try, but it seems I've fallen short. So to all that I love, you are with me everyday. Most smiles and laughs are brought on by memories that you have all given me. Please know, you are always loved. If nothing else, know that one person in this world truly loves you for you and will always have an open door to you.

Facebook Status.

When did mourning someone become a trend? It's like it's fashionable to mourn over someone you barely knew. Oh someone I talked to once in high school died? Let's put RIP (person's name) as our status. I hate this. And a memorial page, really? Most of you actually say you stopped talking to him in high school. And then you have the nerve to say how much you'll miss him? You didn't miss him when he was alive. If he hadn't have died so suddenly, you might never have thought about him again. I know I should be happy that he's missed. But it makes me angry that all these people are talking about him like they knew him and knew what was going on when they had no idea. They have no right to comment on what's happened at all.

Past Tense.

I hate past tense. He was great. He used to be so happy. He was my best friend. He was. That's all people keep saying. Was. To most he will forever be in past tense. But for me, he is always going to be in my present. Is. He is someone I miss.

Stillness.

Death is final. There's no coming back, there's no second chance. At first I thought I was upset because I never got to say goodbye, but then I became upset because I should have never had to say goodbye. Death is unfair and there's no reason for it.

You Make Me Wanna Die.

So the video is a little crazy, but I love the song. The Pretty Reckless is the band. Check them out:

Sometimes.

Sometimes I feel scared for no reason at all. Sometimes my mind races and I imagine everything that could go wrong. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to not have dark thoughts. Sometimes I wonder if everything could be easier. I even sometimes wish I had a reason for being so scared, but all my reasons have long since passed and they should not be reasons any longer. So yes, sometimes I cry when I feel defeated by the world and everything scary in it. Sometimes I cry because I'm terrified about what might possibly happen next. Sometimes I want to call you just to say I'm scared, but what would you, could you say? Sometimes I want you to hold me and to say everything will be okay, even though it might not. Sometimes I want to tell you I'm not okay, but would that be unfair? Sometimes I am happy. Sometimes I feel free and adventurous. Sometimes I feel like I can accomplish anything. Sometimes I feel like I've transformed into someone way cooler than I ever thought I could be. Sometimes I feel smart and sexy. Sometimes I like being alone more than being with someone, but other times I'm terrified of being by myself. Sometimes is my life. There is no all the time. That's how I've been feeling lately. It's been up and down. All I really want is to be able to accept that this will be my life, but I sometimes wonder if I make it my life and if there's a secret. Maybe I have it all wrong and all I need to do is uncover the secret. But sometimes I feel hopeless, because I know there is no secret.

Whip It.

Okay so it took me long enough, but I finally got to watch the movie Whip It. It's fantastic! I like this movie because it has a great message; be your own hero. Plus it's all about girl power, who doesn't dig that right? But seriously, it's such a great movie. Ellen and Drew rocked this one. You need to check it out. Here's the trailer:



P.s. I totally need to go to a roller derby now. ASAP!!!

P.s.s. Today it has been 6 months since I've had a panic attack. Go me :)

Today Was A Crappy Day.

So among getting totally ripped apart by my teacher, breaking my glasses, finding out my dog has fleas, I also got a phone call from my ex boyfriend. I broke up with him recently and he hasn't talked to me since. That is, until last weekend when he told me over Facebook chat, yes I too thought it was very casual in a good way, that he was now "okay" and that he wanted to be friends again. So since he had decided to be casual about this, I could only assume that he was ready to be friends again, which made me happy because I like having him as a friend. You would think that I would learn by now that just because someone says they want to be friends, it doesn't mean that they just want to be friends. But no, I once again chose to be blind. So today I posted a Facebook status simply saying that I had a crappy day and within about a minute, literally, I got a phone call from none other than the man himself. He wanted to check on me and see how I was. But this led to more talking and he took advantage of this weak moment and used it to his advantage. By the end of this conversation I determined two things. The first is that he and I will never be friends again. He will always want more. The second is that I have forgotten my rule about Facebook. I made a rule about a year and a half ago to limit the amount of information I put onto Facebook. If I put too much information or if I post a status that is too informative about my feelings, thoughts, emotions, or whereabouts then I will pay the price. Someone will always use that information in a negative way. So once again I must crawl back into a hole of self knowledge and limit who knows what. I let my guard down and I instantly got reminded of what happens when I do. I wont be letting my guard down again any time soon. Oh , I also forgot to mention that I am on a guy time out. Yes that's right, I've decided to take this whole next session and focus on myself. I think it'll be a nice change, though there have been doubts. Some say I wont last, but I'm determined this time. If for no other reason than the fact that I really just need an emotional break. I don't care how relaxed, open, commitment free a relationship is, there's always drama. Even just casually dating a guy is overly stressful. So for now I'm just going to focus on what's important.

If I Die Young.

I am in love with this song. Check it out: