What Are You Doing New Years Eve?

This December.

This December has not been so great for me. Usually I love December. Both of my parents have December birthdays along mine and my sisters. It's a month of being broke and celebrating. Christmas is always fun and filled with family and love. New Years is a time to be happy and reflect on the good, not the bad. But because I got sick with Pneumonia, December is ruined. Instead of going to Malaysia, Morgan and I stayed in LA. On Christmas Eve, we watched movies, trying to speed up the day. On Christmas we went and saw two movies at the theatre to again avoid the day. We couldn't even see the movie we wanted to because it was sold out. Figures. We skyped with our parents, but it really wasn't the same thing. It was all very depressing. Morgan and I both really needed the vacation from our lives and instead I got deal with being sick and feeling like crap and Morgan had to deal with me. Our birthday was also a let down this year. The best part of it was probably the breakfast. We went to this breakfast place you have to wait in line for because it's so popular. It was on Morgans list. Then we saw a movie Morgan wanted to see. The night was my choice. All I wanted was for some friends to join me in being happy and to drink and be merry. So I invited a few people to my favorite bar. Of course pretty much no one came. Yes it was last minute, but still. Most people didn't even bother to respond at all. The only people that I invited that came actually drove up from Santa Barbara. That was a nice surprise since my Santa Barbara friends never come down to LA and always bail. But everyone else really let me down. Thank goodness I have a twin so some of her friends came so I didn't look so pathetic. And of course the one person I wanted to wish me a happy birthday didn't, like usual.

Art Stands Still.

History develops, art stands still. - E. M. Forster

Pneumonia.

So I was supposed to go on this amazing trip to Malaysia to visit my parents over winter break, my last winter break before I graduate college. Unfortunately the day before my sister and I were supposed to leave, I got a bad case of pneumonia. I was then hospitalized for 4 and a half days, And now i'm on bed rest at home for the next week. Figures this would happen. I'm so unlucky.

Polymer Photogravure Prints.

So beautiful.

Contentment.

I want so much to happen in my life. I want to fall in love. Maybe I have, maybe I haven't. But I couldn't have already had the love of my life. I hope I haven't yet, or it's lost forever. I want to know the feeling of contentment and know that i'm completely okay. I want to experience life's joys with someone who will appreciate them just as much as I do. I want to be happy.

Ragged And Withered Surfaces.

I have always a sacred veneration for any one I observe to be a little out of repair in his person, as supposing him either a poet or a philosopher; because the richest minerals are ever found under the most ragged and withered surface of the earth. Jonathan Swift (1667-1745)

Fell Apart.

Your love was the best part, even though it all fell apart.

It's All On You.

Amazing. I hope he has an album come out one day....there's so much soul.
 

Catch My Breath.

Just Feel Better.

The Best Part.

All I've Ever Needed.

Bat For A Heart.

Now That I've Found You.

I Look Up To You.

All I'm Asking.

It's Finally Time.

I think it's finally time to say it. I'm upset that it didn't work. I'm upset that you didn't even give me a real chance. I'm upset because if I cant make it with you, I don't think I can make it with anyone. I'm pretty sure I love you and I'm pretty sure this is how it feels when someone breaks your heart. I think about how things could be different and I think about what I could have done. I think about what it should be like and how you should have been on my side. I think about how much better my life would be if you were in it. Mostly I just feel this void all the time. It burns like a fire that wont go out and I'm afraid there will never be enough water to fully put it out.

My Favorite Day.

A Day Earlier.

I've been thinking about you a lot lately. There's this pain and I feel it all the time. I think about how if I had only called you a day earlier, maybe things would be different. Maybe you would have realized how much you were loved and maybe you wouldn't have felt so alone. I wish you could be here, but you aren't and everyday it haunts me. All I want is to make it right. I feel so responsible. But there's nothing I can do.

Childhood.

Childhood is not from birth to a certain age and at a certain age the child is grown, and puts away childish things. Childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies. Edna St. Vincent Millay

Loving Nick Simmons.

Seriously, I'm in love. He has such an awesome voice....totally want more.

Anxiety.

The Panic Attacks have come back. I'm not having full on can't breath, crying, rolled in a ball hard core ones yet, but I'm def having minor ones. I'm anxious all the time. I have to pep talk myself to leave my apartment. It's getting hard to deal with it when I have so much going on. I don't have time to deal with this stuff right now. I think it's going to keep getting worse. I'm having all of these thoughts and I'm trying to remember things that I just cant seem to. I'm having these nightmares, so I'm not sleeping very well and I end up staying up until like 2 in the morning. The loss of sleep is affecting me and how I interact with the world. The world is just so not interesting to me right now. I don't want to be involved with anything, yet I'm involved with so much right now that I can't stop. It's already starting to affect me in school and I'm worried how much I'm gunna be able to handle all at once. It's all just very confusing.

A Worse That Feels Too Big.

"I just wish that God or my parents or Sam or my sister or someone would just tell me what's wrong with me. Just tell me how to be different in a way that makes sense. To make this all go away. And disappear. I know that's wrong because it's my responsibility, and I know that things get worse before they get better because that's what my psychiatrist says, but this is a worse that feels too big." - Stephen Chbosky

Infinite.

The word infinite.... in·fi·nite   [in-fuh-nit] Adjective 1. immeasurably great: an infinite capacity for forgiveness. 2. indefinitely or exceedingly great: infinite sums of money. 3. unlimited or unmeasurable in extent of space, duration of time, etc.: the infinite nature of outer space. 4. unbounded or unlimited; boundless; endless: God's infinite mercy. 5. Mathematics . a. not finite. b. (of a set) having elements that can be put into one-to-one correspondence with a subset that is not the given set. "..... And in that moment, I swear we were infinite." - Stephen Chbosky

Raw And Exposed.

Today I went to go see The Perks Of Being A Wallflower. I was told it had a Ferris Bueller feel to it, so obviously my interest was peeked. I was not expecting the movie to be what it was though. It was absolutely amazing in the way that it was so raw and real and honest with reality and how it works. But it was so emotional for me to watch, I actually started crying in the movie theatre. The panic he feels, the pain, the black outs, the need to be normal.....I understood it all. He got through it all, he found the help he needed.....all I want is that. I want more than anything to feel how he did at the end of the movie.....infinite. If I could feel infinite.....I think i'd be able to finally breathe. Things are starting to get bad again and I don't know how I got here. I've been doing okay...liveable. But somethings changed and things are so much worse. I've been having some panic attacks and I keep remembering things and finding these huge holes in my memories. Why cant I remember things that happened? I don't understand. I know other people who have gone through what I have....and they seem to be okay. They're living normally and aren't always haunted by their past. Why can't mine stop haunting me. I've alienated everyone with my sadness and my pain. No one wants to be around someone like me.....and I get it. I wouldn't want to be around me like this either. I hate it when I feel like this because all I want is for someone to understand and show me that it'll be okay. But no one understands. It was okay when he was around because he listened. I don't think he always understood, but it didn't bother him when I was sad. He didn't leave me because of that. He left because I held on too hard. I'm still holding on too hard. I was just so afraid this would happen...and it has. I don't know how to be okay without him. I feel raw and exposed and like I'm back at square one without him.

Wait A Minute.

The Hives really are awesome.

Sad Words.

"Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been.”
― John Greenleaf Whittier, Maud Muller - Pamphlet

Howlin For You.

Digging the Black Keys today especially.

Words.

"Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind.”
― Rudyard Kipling

Lolita.

Los Angeles......CRAZY AS F*%!

Living in LA has been an adventure so far. I've met some awesome people, re-connected with old friends and unfortunately also lost some friends. But in a city this big, i'm bound to bounce back from that drama. Fingers crossed. Things seem to happen really fast here. Life is always unexpected and many of my best nights have been random last minute things, which I love. So far, living here is helping me get over my anxietys and just live a little more. I'm grateful, even if it's only for a little while, to not feel completely trapped. But damn people can be crazy here.

Ready Or Not.

Totally digging this song today. Check it out:

Once Again, There's A Void.

I have this whole in my heart. Nothing feels right. I feel empty and alone, even though I'm surrounded by people I know care about me. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that no matter what I do, this void is always here. Once again I'm getting these urges to fill this void with things I know wont help. But it sure would help for a while. Maybe just a small break from reality would be good?

Kill An Error.

To kill an error is as good a service as, and sometimes even better than, the establishing of a new truth or fact. Charles Darwin (1809-1882)

We Found Love In A Hopeless Place.

Feeling it.

Love In Your Eyes.

I was reading about people that go through severe struggles and about how they tend to hold on to or grasp on to someone or certain actions. They do it for illogical reasons sometimes, but the idea is that they get comfort out of this person or action. Sometimes it's the person that hurt them, if there was a long enough connection, certain things that person did might be comforting to do for the person who was harmed. Sometimes it's what a person doesn't do that makes them feel safe. I think the reason why I connected to you was because you used to be really angry and you'd yell at me a lot, sometimes for no reason. But you never hit me. And once you got mad a few times, I knew you'd never hurt me. It was just the way you went about everything, your body language, your tone, your eyes. Your eyes always have love in them. That may be hard for you to understand, but they do. I know theres love. I know you have a loving soul. You're filled with passion and I know you care. You don't always show it, but I know. I hope you know, I care too.

Happy.

I love you. I hate you. I miss you. I want you. I want you to be happy. I hope you're happy.......

Come Back.

I miss you. I miss you so much. I miss feeling safe and I miss knowing someone understands me. Right now I feel lost. Right now I feel sad. Right now I feel empty. I wish I just needed companionship. That would be so much easier. But that's not enough. I need you. You're the only one that fills this void. Other guys don't know how to make the void go away. I know everything got really complicated and I know that it's all just gotten out of hand. I sort of understand why you backed off. But I need you back in my life. If I had thought for even a second that your presence would be in jeopardy, I would have never let things get this way. I need you in my life and I need to know you'll be here. I just need you back. Please. Come back.

The Big Bang.

I'm obsessed with this song right now. Kevin Zegers is in this video.....so hot.

You Can't Always Get What You Want.

The Moment Of Impact.

The moment of impact. The moment of impact proves potential for change. Has ripples effects far beyond what we can predict. Sending some particles crashing together. Making them closer than before. While sending others spinning off into great ventures. Landing where you never thought you'd find them. That's the thing about moments like these. You can't, no matter how hard you try, control how it's gonna affect you. You just gotta let the colliding part go where they may. And wait. For the next collision. - From the movie The Vow. <3

Fly Or Die.

I couldn't find an actual music video so I'm posting this one....such a good song.

You're gone.

I miss you. I miss being able to talk to you. I really need to talk to you right now. Everything is just so complicated and out of hand. I'm fighting back urges, I'm stressing out. Mostly I'm trying so hard to just not fuck up right now. I need you. I wish you were here. I wish more than anything that you could be here to believe in me. But you're gone and without you, I'm just not sure how long I can keep this up. Some days, like today, it's just so hard.

Everybody.

I couldn't find a music video, but have a listen. <3

Canada Calls.

So my friend is on tour right now and he has his first international show in Toronto, Ontario, Canada and so of course he calls me when he gets there! It made me so happy!!!! I'm so excited for him and I love that he thought to call me. He's one of those friends that I may not get to see very often, but when I do it's like were as close as ever. He totally just made my day with that phone call. Yay for Canada calls!

Fred Astaire And Cyd Charisse.

These two are crazy good!!!

Los Angeles Here I Come.

Well it's official, I'm moving to Los Angeles today!!! Ahhhh I'm so excited! This is going to be a great new chapter for me. It means a lot more commuting/driving and it means a little more work for school, but man am I going to be a happier person. No more days off spent sitting in the dark doing nothing because I'm stuck in Santa Barbara. I can now see all of my Orange County people. Only good things will come from this. I'm sure of it. Did I mention I'm moving into an apartment complex that Charlie Chaplin built?! Sooooo cool!!!!!

Confusion Is My Middle Name These Days.

Everything is getting more and more confusing. My best friend is barely talking to me, it's as if I'm walking on egg shells and one wrong word will silence him forever. My other friend who I'm also super close to is confused about wether or not he's gay.....and on top of that a super close family member of his just died. So he called me to talk about the gay thing and I thought I was super supportive, then he barely talked to me after that and now I'm not sure if he needs me or if I'm the last person he wants to see right now. All I know is that someone dying is one of the most painful things someone can go through and if he needs me I'm there, but how am I supposed to know what he wants? I sent him a message, but he might not even answer it. Then there's my friend who just got married. I'm proud of him and all he's accomplished and this should be a great turning point for him, but he's already invited himself over to my new place which means he's probably looking to smoke which means he's probably not taking advantage of this turning point thing which isn't good. And with all of this going on I just feel like I've really screwed up somewhere. It seems like all of my friendships are complicated. Is it because when you've been friends with someone for a long time, things are bound to get complicated? Or did I really just screw up almost every important friendship I have?

Switch Flip.

Baby, it'll be okay I promise. I'll take care of you and love you and it will all be okay. Right now, that's all I want you to say. I want your arms to hold me and for you to just...be with me. Can't we just be for a while? I need to be still for a bit. Everything just started spinning so out of control and now I'm holding on to threads that are breaking one by one. If I keep moving I might fall apart. I just need you so I can be still for a bit. I always feel so still around you. The world stops, you make it easier when you're around. You help me when I'm weak, you fight for me when I cant, and you love me when I cant love myself. I feel like I imagine this sometimes. Like I'm going crazy and there's no way you could have possibly made me feel like this. You can be so mean, so controlling, so cold, so unaware of you're impact on me. You have two sides to you. One that wouldn't think twice about hurting me and the other that seems like you would do anything for me. I don't know which one to take seriously and which one to ignore. I know that it hurts when you flip the switch and I'm left without you. You act as if I'm this bug that wont go away and that I'm a huge inconvenience in your life. Yet sometimes it's as if I'm one of the most important things in your life. Well I have no idea if I'll ever get used to it, but I will continue to care about you and be there for you until you tell me otherwise, because I promised you a long time I would. I told you I would never disappear no matter what you did or said and I will do what I can to keep that promise. It's the least I can do for you. I just wish that for once you would apologize or show that you care and that you don't mean it or something. I've seen you apologize to other people, so why don't I get the same privilege? What am I doing differently?

Moments Together.

It's strange, sometimes all I want is to be alone, yet other times all I want is to not be alone. I can be so needy sometimes, yet sometimes I'm the furthest thing from needy. Life has so much to offer, there is so much to see and do. But if you have no one to share it with, it can only mean so much to you. It's great to be able to say you've done this or seen that, but when you're there, at that moment, nothing is better than having someone else experience it and feel the joy that you're feeling at that moment. So yes, I want to move around a lot after I graduate and I want to experience as much as I can, but what will it mean to me without someone to share it with? Will it still be as great?

Tired Of Trying.

You've left. You aren't here. You're gone. I'm alone. I miss my best friend. I need you right now. I'm at a crossroads in my life, big decisions need to be made. Everyone always leaves, but you're supposed to be the exception. I keep trying to reach out, but you keep pushing me away. I'm worried about you. I'm scared to stop trying, but I'm tired of trying.

A Thousand Years.

<3

You Have Bewitched Me.

"You must know... surely, you must know it was all for you. You are too generous to trifle with me. I believe you spoke with my aunt last night, and it has taught me to hope as I'd scarcely allowed myself before. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes have not changed, but one word from you will silence me forever. If, however, your feelings have changed, I will have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on." - Mr. Darcy. <3

We Are All Selfish.

“We are all selfish and I no more trust myself than others with a good motive.”
- Lord Byron

I'm Alone On A Bicycle For Two.

Today, this song totally explains how I feel.

Jesse McCartney Overload.

Totally feeling him today. Here's a few good ones:

Emotions = Overrated.

Emotions = Overrated. Stupid. Illogical. Yet they wont go away. All I want is to not feel. It hurts. It hurts that he's gone. It hurts that you wont talk to me the way I need you to. It hurts because there is no love. I just want love, but it's so impossible for me. Why don't I deserve it? Why will I always be without it? How do I keep going on and on and on? The only reason to live is to love and to be loved. But no one will ever love me that way. Guys love the idea of me. What I could be, what I can be, what they can make me. Guys love the person they think I am. But all the problems, all the complications, emotions, those are an issue they don't love. The best I can hope for is to be loved in spite of them. All I want is to be loved. To be loved for the good and bad, but no one will ever be able to do that. And to me....that is a tragedy. I am tragic. And being tragic hurts. Right now, it all just hurts. My body feels my pain. My heart is breaking knowing the truth. A broken heart, once broken, is broken forever. Mine broke a long time ago and no one will be bale to fix it. The day he died was the day the hope for being loved was lost. My love is lost.

Another Side.

Days like today are hard. I want so badly to talk to you about things I know you don't want to talk about. I think if I had tried to have a conversation like this with you a few weeks ago, you might have been open to it. But now you're closed off, you've closed off a part of you to me. I don't really understand why. I don't know if I brought out a part of you, a part you aren't proud of, or if you're worried about what i'm thinking or if you just regret it or whats going on. The only thing I know is you're reacting badly....and its not what I thought would happen. I just need you right now. I want to talk to you. I feel like I just discovered this whole other side of you and all I wanna do is get to know it more. I want to understand it, but I cant because you wont let me. I wonder what would happen if I told you how I discovered this side. Would you be mad I read those blogs? I never would have understood them the way I understand them now. I wonder if you would be open and honest with me. Have I been open and honest with you? Perhaps....to a degree I have. I have told you about the main things, you were there for the main events. But lately, do you really know me at all? You've never been to my place. You don't know how I live. You don't now about the fact that I still sit in corners and cry when i'm overwhelmed. You don't know that I still freak out when people grab my shoulders. You don't know about the bad dreams I have. You don't know about the daily struggles I go through each day, just to survive. I don't tell you so much, yet I tell you more than most. So what does that mean? Am I being fair to you? Or am I being unfair? Do you deserve to know more? Should I have told you about Ben? The whole story. Should I tell you about how when you told me about being in love and how you felt when you held her, I was jealous because my person like that is dead and no one will ever be able to love me like that. Should I tell you about how it kills me to know the love I want so badly will never happen for me? Should I tell you about the fact that I love how deeply you feel about everything. I'm confused about you. I love you. Every time I find out something important about you, good or bad, it makes me love you more. You deserve happiness, love, joy and success. This love that I feel for you is pure. Not romantic, not contaminated, not selfish, just love. That aside, sometimes I think I may be in danger of falling in love with you and other days I cant wait until I feel about someone the way you feel about her. Sometimes I think you and I are the best thing. Sometimes I think you and I are the worst thing. But I cant ever imagine you not in my life. You are so essential and I don't know why. I don't know how this attachment grew. You're just such an amazing person, and so important to my being okay. Without you, it feels like it will all just fall apart. But with you, it feels like I will make it. That part is selfish. There is a part of me that is selfish with you. But I just want to know you openly. I just want to know what you're thinking and how you feel now. After reading those blogs, I now see there was this side to you that you've only ever shared once. I need to know more. I want you to tell me more. Do you still have these feelings? Is that why when I text you because i'm in pain....you don't run away? Do you feel this way? Are you in pain? Has this pain since left? How did you overcome it? Have I ever helped you when you felt this pain? Are you okay now? I'm worried. I'm worried about this part of you I didn't understand. I mean I know I knew about it, but I don't think I understood its depths. I never understood the depths of your pain. I am so sorry if I wasn't there for you. I wish I could just know when you need me, but I don't. You have to tell me, but I know you wont.

Want U Back.

This is one of her singles after being on the X-Factor. Love it!

Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word.

I love this girl. She's awesome and this combo she sang is amazing. Love it!

I Love You Anyway.

I've never known a man like you
A man who can hold my interest for as long as you do
A man who can make me crazy
You know exactly how to push me
You never know quite what to say, but baby that's okay
I still love you anyway

Your eyes cause intensity
Your lips kiss so tenderly
Your arms hold me and comfort me
Baby, your love overwhelms me

The way you can talk about a subject
The passion in your words
I wanna be someone you talk about like that
I wanna inspire you, impress you
I want you to want to do the same

You hurt me with your words
You hurt me with your silence
You hurt me with your choices
But none of this means anything, because at the end of the day
Baby, I love you anyway

Call Me Maybe.

Totally stuck in my head right now.

Nothing's Real But Love.

So true.

Hallelujah.

I like both versions :)

This Heart's Not Your Skipping Stone.

I love her.

Last Night.

Last night you touched me, you held me, you made me feel safe. Last night you protected me from myself. Last night you were what I needed you to be. I miss last night. I miss the kiss on the forehead that made this overwhelming sense of calm and safety pour over me. I miss how comfortable I was. I miss how you kissed me, the tenderness and the love. I want last night to be every night. I want you. I want us. I don't want this reality. I don't want last night to be something that only happens once a year. I want you to hold me every night. But I know that's not what you want. I know I'm not what you need. I wish I could be. But I'm selfish and I'm a mess. I wish I could say that I'll change, but I wont. I'll always be a mess, a disappointment. I cant be dependable and you need dependable. But just so you know, right here, right now, I loved every moment of last night and I wouldn't take it back. I know it was wrong. I know I should feel guilty and ashamed, but I don't. I'm so thankful I got last night. Some people never get anything at all, but I had last night. I got to see you look at me the way you so rarely let yourself look at me. I got to see the side of you that shows love, strength, and tenderness. I had you.

I Need You.

The pain inside of me cuts like a knife. Today I feel utterly alone. I put myself in this position. I made it be this way. I cut people off. I pushed everyone away. Right now I really need you, but you're not here. Why? Because I just screwed it all up. I just did the one thing that would make you disappear. I did it without even realizing I did it. I didn't mean to screw it all up, but I never do. I just create these problems. I create these messes that I know are complicated. You have a girlfriend. I shouldn't have done that. I knew what I was doing the moment you opened the door. I saw how you looked at me and I knew. I knew and I still let it happen. I knew you would regret it, but I also knew I wanted it. I know I still want it. But I cant tell you that because right now you might just back off. But if I were to tell you what I really want, you'd leave. You'd leave and you wouldn't look back. That is something that I couldn't bear. I need you in my life. I need you to be here. I'm not sure when I grew this attachment. I'm not sure when you became apart of my heart and soul, but you have. Without you, it hurts. There is this emptiness and this void and I don't know how to get rid of it. I don't know how to stop wanting you. I've tried everything. But at the end of the day, I still need you.

Failure.

Today I failed. Today I utterly disappointed everyone that has been depending on me. So many people who need me to stay on track. So many people who worked so hard to get me on a path, the right path. There's so much pressure to succeed, to do the right things. I am not a strong person. I am weak. Yet, the people around me continue to depend on me and constantly expect me to overcome my obstacles. But lately I keep getting beat down and I'm just so tired of getting up. I'm tired of fighting a constant battle. I just want to stay down. Is that so bad? I just want to disappear. I just want to find a place of normalcy. I just want a regular reality where constant pain and disappointment isn't apart of it. I just want my life in grade 10. That was when my life was normal. That's when things made sense. That's when the worst of my problems was what I was going to buy my boyfriend for his birthday. That was when I was truly happy. I want that back. But I'll never get it back and that kills me inside. I miss you. Today I really need you, but you've left me alone and I am lost.

Times They Are A-Changin.

I Didn't Know.

I remember how you took me to see the notebook twice, just because you knew how much I loved it. You didn't care that it was a chick flick, you just liked seeing me happy. You were always good at making me happy. I didn't know how amazing you were, I didn't understand what I know now. I'm so sorry I let it all go. I'm so sorry that I didn't appreciate how easy it was for us. You knew, you understood how important a connection like ours was, you were willing to fight for it. You were always a few steps ahead of me, that's for sure. I miss having someone who knew me better than I did. You always knew what to say or what not to say. You showed me compassion and love. I miss having someone love the little things about me. I miss the way you loved me. I miss you.

The List.

Well when I first started writing this blog I made a lost of 101 things I wanted to do in 1001 days. Some of the items were hard, some easy. I only got 47 done, but now it's time to make another list...hopefully I will get more done on the next one.


The mission: to complete all 101 things in 1001 days.
Start date: 6/21/09
End date: 3/18/12

Line = Done!!!
Bold = Working on it currently.

1. Exercise will become a common ritual. I will either complete a good hour of yoga, go for a nice long run to clear my head, or will at least hit the gym for a solid workout. I will become more active in my life.
2. I will not lie to myself.
3. Post a blog as much as possible to keep you all posted on my progress if nothing else.
4. Take as many pictures as possible. I've been avoiding digital photography for some reason I can't explain. But I’m done hiding behind film.
5. Stop feeling guilty about people caring about me. They are allowed to.
6. I will get rid of my fear of phone talking. I really need to get over being so awkward on the phone.
7. Read other blogs as much as possible. I want to know what other people's views are on the world and everything else.
8. Put $5 away for every goal that I complete.
9. Read the newspaper. You would think that someone who wants to possibly be in journalism would read the newspaper on a regular basis. But no, I have for some reason failed at doing this. So I will start to read the newspaper on a daily basis.
10. Get lost often.....you have to keep life interesting.
11. Do something for someone else as much as possible. I'm pretty well off compared to most and doing something for someone can be so simple. The smallest things can mean the world to some people.
12. Buy and read as many books as I can.
13. Fall in love with something or someone.
14. Carry a book of quotes and write one on a piece of paper and place it on every bulletin board I see.
15. Take care of my nails, which means no more biting them and when the nail polish gets chipped I’ll actually bother to take it off and re-paint them.
16. I will finally switch back clothes with Nikki...it's time lol.
17. Get a job as a photographer.
18. Actually use my flickr account. I made it and haven’t been on it since.
19. Finnish Morgan’s list before I move.
20. Give half of my clothes to Good Will before I move. I need to lighten my load.
21. Finally buy the 50D.
22. Get an internship at either a photo studio or a newspaper/magazine. I need to start focusing and get going if I want to end up somewhere good in the photography industry.
23. Organize my Ipod....it's a mess.
24. Write a letter to my Nana and Papa.
25. Go on a road trip which isn’t planned for a week.
26. Go on a planned road trip…it must include driving through Kentucky.
27. Quit Starbucks.
28. Dance in the moonlight to Dancing in the Moonlight.
29. Dance in the rain.
30. Put a photo show together.
31. Watch the sunrise with someone who will appreciate it as much as I will.
32. Have a day of silence. No matter what I will not speak a word for those 24 hours.
33. Get a professional massage.
34. Drink champagne with a swirly straw.
35. Get a tattoo.
36. Go a week without using my phone....that will be difficult.
37. Send a message in a bottle.
38. Find the perfect tree. By which I mean, find the tree that puts all other tree’s to shame. There’s a tree out there that would amaze anyone whose looking for it. I will find that perfect tree.
39. Plant a tree in honor of someone great.
40. Drink nothing but water for a week.
41. Do not use the microwave for a week.
42. Befriend someone I cant stand.
43. Discover 10 things I love about myself.
44. Stay up for 24 hours talking to someone I just met.
45. Inspire someone.
46. Go a week without texting
47. Discover a new music artist once a week.
48. Write my initials on all my $5 bills.
49. Walk into an elevator and don’t turn around, just face the other people.
50. Become pen pals with someone awesome.
51. Read every Nicholas Sparks book.
52. Read every Jane Austen books, I’ve only read 2.
53. .Borrow a book from the public library more and more often.
54. Watch all the Godfather movies. For years now I’ve been saying that I would watch them. (2 out of 3 complete)
55. Watch Across the Universe. I avoided it for a while because half my friends told me that watching it would kill my love for the Beatles and the other half said it was amazing. I think I need to decide for myself.
56. Watch In To The Wild.
57. Stop Smoking.
58. Watch 25 never-seen-by-me movies from top 250 imdb movie list
59. Watch every episode of It's Always Sunny in Phili. (halfway done)
60. Take a painting class...or drawing. I would love to take a painting class but I’m horrible at drawing, so maybe I should start with drawing and work my way up.
61. Learn the harmonica. I've started but I can only play the blues...by learn I mean i want to be able to rock out on the thing, not just get by.
62. Get back on track concerning school.
63. Enroll at Brooks Institute of Photography.
64. Learn more about my heritage. My mom went on a search to find her birth mom and found a huge family in the process. Turns out she’s Chippewa and therefore so am I. I'm going to focus on learning what that means. I want to understand more about what my family members believe.
65. Try and visit as many art galleries and museums as possible. Seeing what other people have done is amazing.
66. Expand my vocabulary and give 100,000 grains of rice with http://www.freerice.com/.
67. Take a cooking class. I can get away with baking and anything that's microwavable, so i think its time i change that.
68. Make 25 of my own recipes.
69. Be in 2 places at once. **I was at work and school**
70. Post 5 videos created by me on this blog.
71. Make a soundtrack to my life.
72. Try Hot Yoga.
73. Train my dog, Holly.
74. Put change in other peoples parking meters when their meter is expired but no one is in sight.
75. Learn how to play poker properly.
76. Watch An Inconvenient Truth
77. Try a new restaurant at least once every 2 weeks.
78. Send a postcard to Post Secret.
79. Join Postcrossing and send 50 post cards.
80. Go to an Opera. Phantom Of The Opera does NOT count.
81. Ride a Mechanical Bull.
82. Have someone read my palm.
83. Sell something on Etsy.
84. Sell a picture I’ve taken.
85. Buy a fisheye lens.
86. Learn how to finally blow smoke rings.
87. Complete a self portrait.
88. Attend 5 services, each one for different religions. 1/5
89. Read a newspaper from the day I was born.
90. Keep my room clean for a month.
91. Compile a personal top 25 movie list.
92. Recount 3 dreams through an art project.
93. Photograph a scar and write about it.
94. Watch Samson and Delilah.
95. Learn to write my name in Egyptian hieroglyphics.
96. Sleep under the stars one night, under the open sky.
97. Visit Seattle.
98. Learn to drive a stick shift.
99. See 5 local bands I’ve never heard of.
100. Be able to identify at least 5 constellations.
101. Finnish this list.

How Much More?

I have to work with this group, 3 other people. One of the members is this guy that is beyond disrespectful and basically termed a non-functioning stoner. The other two are a pair of girls who, when put together, might as well be the only ones in the room. Sure we get along, the girls and I, but if it came down to it they'd throw me off the boat so fast I wouldn't even know what was happening until I was in the water. The guy, the NFS, used to be chill. But then when we started working together, things changed. Since we started school, I've helped him with numerous projects. I've helped him when no one else would, I've helped him when it was a pass or fail the class situation. So it astonishes me how he's acting. I'm really not too sure what happened, it might have been me dating his roommate, but then dumping the guy once I realized he was stalker crazy. Or it might just be he's simply decided he hates me. But either way he's lost all respect for me and he treats me that way. It's not just a hatred thing, its a respect thing. Do I care if he likes me or not? No. But I do care how he treats me. He talks down to me, yells at me, embarrasses me, and criticizes everything I do. I just need it to stop. We did an interview project 3 days ago and the whole time he was super unprofessional. He talked to me in such a disgusting way that everyone we interviewed was uncomfortable. Plus he doesn't have a car so I drove him there and back and he was just so ungrateful about the whole thing. I wanted to leave him in Ventura and let him figure out his own way home, but I would never have the balls to do that, which unfortunately he knows. Then yesterday while editing it was even worse. He yelled at me and called me an idiot in front of all of these people. It was just terrible. It's been 2 days in a row that he's made me cry, but it will not happen a third day. If that means I have to get so baked that I can barely walk straight just so it wont affect me when he talks to me the way he has been, so be it. I refuse to give him the satisfaction of hurting me anymore. Whatever his problem is, he needs to deal with it. But I still have another project to do with this group before the class ends, wether or not we can work together, I don't know. I really just want to do my own thing, but it's video so you really cant do it alone. It's all just so much unnecessary stress that I so don't need right now.

Various Hues.

Misery is manifold...as the rainbow; its hues are as various as the hues of that arch.

- Edgar Allan Poe

Silence Breaks The Heart.

“Spiteful words can hurt your feelings but silence breaks your heart.”

- Unknown

Stronger.

Need a positive boost to get you through it all? Here ya go:

How About A Nap?

My thoughts are all over the place. I feel alone and detached, yet I feel like I could use some alone time. It's odd. I haven't let myself have alone time in a while so it feels unnatural. I feel the urge to constantly be in contact with people, but the moment I reach out I feel like i'm being annoying. I cant help it though, I keep reaching out to the same people daily, constantly irritating them with questions of non importance. I'm afraid to be with my thoughts alone and unobserved. Lately my mind has been going into a dark place. It has been reliving things it shouldn't. My mind has been almost preparing for something bad to happen. Reminding me of past events and to raise my guard before something else happens. I feel like I should be on the alert and prepared for danger, but from what? I took care of the one guy who might have caused problems. I spoke with him and he has left me alone since then, so what else could it be? I'm not sure, but I feel exhausted and I haven't been doing very much. All I want to do is be at home with a book and my puppy, drinking tea and listening to the rain. Perhaps have a few drinks in between it all. I cant smoke anymore and that's got me a little on edge. I used to smoke when I got like this and it would calm me down, but now it's different. I freak out and it makes my anxieties worse. I cant even smoke to help me sleep anymore. The only numbing outlet I have left is drinking and man does that scare me. I've been missing a lot of people I cant reach out to and I've been missing a lot of people that should be here but aren't. I'm being a little needy right now, but I just wish someone was here to say it's all okay. I wish I just had someone to make me see it'll all be alright. But I don't and I don't know that it will be. I'm tired of worrying and I'm tired of caring about things other people don't. I just want the world to stop for a little bit. I just want a nice long nap. How about it world? Can we take a few days off for a nice long problem ignoring nap? Of course not.

Wild Horses.

Wild Horses is an amazing song by the Rolling Stones. I am in love with this cover done by Aly Michalka.

Bob Dylan Love.

So recently I've started to dig Bob Dylan. It's funny because there are all these amazing artists out there. There's a special list of artists that "everyone" likes. Ex: Beatles, Elvis, Pink Floyd, Tom Petty, Bob Dylan.... But I've found that each artist finds a special place in your heart and in your life and once that happens, you have this whole new respect and love from them and their music. Elvis found his way into my heart in middle school (odd I know). Tom Petty found his way into my heart during my senior year of high school. Pink Floyd hit me hard during my second year of community college. And now Dylan is providing a wonderful sound track after a year and a half at Brooks. There was recently an album made for Amnesty International which is all Dylan covers and some of them are really quite beautiful. The two that surprised me were the ones by Miley Cyrus and Keisha. Both are totally different from what you would expect and I must say are quite beautiful. Check them out:

Irony.

Things have been going really well for me and people have been starting to notice. People have been more open to working with me and people have been more interested in my opinions. This has been feeling really good because I've been trying to make people realize I'm serious and I'm finally starting to make an impression. So why is it that right when things are going really well I get this feeling. Yes I had to deal with a guy that I haven't had such great relations with in the past, but can a simple conversation that didnt even go too bad cause all this? A feeling of sadness, loneliness, and mostly fear has taken over my mind and body. I'm tense and nervous. My mind keeps going over what could have happened and what might still happen. Why must my previous experiences still haunt me so? Will it never cease to bring me pain? My friend told me the other day that he liked me because of all his girl friends, I was the least crazy. But the truth is that I'm probably more crazy than all of his other girl friends combined. Ill never be just a normal girl. I'll always end up being the girl in the corner drinking, trying to feel safe.

You.

What A Feeling.

Totally digging this song right now.

Trouble Sleeping.

I've been having a big problem with being able to sleep. My mind just keeps going over everything I need to do. My mind won't stop racing. I'm afraid if I stop it'll all just fall apart. But for the past couple of nights I've been using this sleeping sound app that plays rain storms and it's been helping me to fall asleep. The sound of a rain storm seems to calm me right down. It's weird but it feels comforting.

There's A Void.

I feel as if there's something missing. My heart aches and my stomach is tightened. I feel as if I should cry, but I don't know why. In the past when I've felt like this, I've always known the cause. Perhaps it's just a general emptiness.

You Will Forever Be A Part Of Me.

"There’s this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me."

-Gretchen Kemp

The Time Travelers Wife.

This movie is filled with so much love.