Time To Breath.

Okay so, I am finally done with Accounting. Yes, that's right folks, I passed! Finally, that class took forever. And now is time for some family time and then some Vegas turning 21 time! These next few weeks are very much needed and I'm so excited to start the vacation. I'm going to try and turn my brain off for a few days and enjoy this time. So I'll see you in the new year!

There's A Feeling Coming Over Me.

There's a feeling coming over me, it's taking me over. My body feels restless and it needs to move. I have these thoughts screaming in my ear. I've been trying to ignore them, but they're just too loud. I can muffle the sound a million different ways, but in the end it's just too loud. I can't deny what I need to do. But if I give in to the want and the addiction, would I be able to stop tomorrow? Or would I get pulled in all over again? I don't want it all back....I just want the feeling for a little while....could I just go back for a few hours? I very much doubt that it would be possible. I doubt it because I may be strong, but no one is that strong.

If I Was From Paris...

Totally digging this song right now.

A Cancer Of Sorts.

There's a cancer of sorts that has crawled into my head. It seems to spread slowly, but it hits me out of nowhere. One minute I'm driving, then next thing I know, all I wanna do is cry. This week,I thought, might be better. But it wasn't. He showed me how to love life and every time I appreciate something, all I wanna do is text him, but I can't because his mom cancelled his phone service. I know this because I've been calling his voicemail. I know that sounds like a horrible thing to do, but I just wanted to talk to him, ya know? But now I don't even have a recording of him. Slowly everyones letting him go. How do they do that? How do you let someone go?

Let's Take A Trip Around The World Today.

Good song by Alexz Johnson. Check it:

Too Far.

Okay so picture this; your on a date. This guy takes you to this cute romantic cafe. He then pulls out his iPhone so he can "check in". By doing so, it then gets posted on Facebook. So because he's checking something on his phone, you check your Facebook on your phone and see this in among with the latest status updates. So you "like" it. Does this seem weird to anyone else at all? I mean come on. Don't you think that's a little far? Shouldn't you be talking on your date? This does not count as acceptable date conversation. And what is this latest obsession with people needing to know where you are at all times? It's not normal. If it was, we'd all be wearing tracking devices.

Today's Quote.

Silence may be as variously shaded as speech.
Edith Wharton (1862-1937)

I Should Have Known Something Was Coming.

All month I've been listening to songs about death, not on purpose, and on monday morning I was actually thinking about him and how I was going to call him later that night. Of course, there was no answer. All month I've been seeing these suicide ads and all month I've been seeing sadness and loneliness. More and more I've realized that most students that go to my school are way less off than I. Most don't have any real friends here. And I've been thinking how important friendship is. I had no idea the universe was trying to warn me that death was around the corner. If only I had known or paid more attention to the signs. Yesterday I had to leave work early because on my half I started crying and once I start it's hard for me to stop. I can't focus on my assignments and I have no idea how I'm going to have everything done in time for tomorrow. I have to shoot my creative but I cant think of anything worth while. My minds blocked. Everything goes back to him. I want to ask for an extension, but I'm not sure I'll do any better next week.

Loving From A DIstance.

It's hard sometimes, moving so much. I find that when I move people automatically assume that I will vanish, as most people do. I try very hard to not become the silence that lingers after someone leaves you and to stay in contact. I try to make sure those that I love know that they are loved. If they could all move with me when I go somewhere, it would be perfect. But sadly they cannot, and I cannot always stay in contact on a regular basis. I do try, but it seems I've fallen short. So to all that I love, you are with me everyday. Most smiles and laughs are brought on by memories that you have all given me. Please know, you are always loved. If nothing else, know that one person in this world truly loves you for you and will always have an open door to you.

Facebook Status.

When did mourning someone become a trend? It's like it's fashionable to mourn over someone you barely knew. Oh someone I talked to once in high school died? Let's put RIP (person's name) as our status. I hate this. And a memorial page, really? Most of you actually say you stopped talking to him in high school. And then you have the nerve to say how much you'll miss him? You didn't miss him when he was alive. If he hadn't have died so suddenly, you might never have thought about him again. I know I should be happy that he's missed. But it makes me angry that all these people are talking about him like they knew him and knew what was going on when they had no idea. They have no right to comment on what's happened at all.

Past Tense.

I hate past tense. He was great. He used to be so happy. He was my best friend. He was. That's all people keep saying. Was. To most he will forever be in past tense. But for me, he is always going to be in my present. Is. He is someone I miss.

Stillness.

Death is final. There's no coming back, there's no second chance. At first I thought I was upset because I never got to say goodbye, but then I became upset because I should have never had to say goodbye. Death is unfair and there's no reason for it.

You Make Me Wanna Die.

So the video is a little crazy, but I love the song. The Pretty Reckless is the band. Check them out:

Sometimes.

Sometimes I feel scared for no reason at all. Sometimes my mind races and I imagine everything that could go wrong. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to not have dark thoughts. Sometimes I wonder if everything could be easier. I even sometimes wish I had a reason for being so scared, but all my reasons have long since passed and they should not be reasons any longer. So yes, sometimes I cry when I feel defeated by the world and everything scary in it. Sometimes I cry because I'm terrified about what might possibly happen next. Sometimes I want to call you just to say I'm scared, but what would you, could you say? Sometimes I want you to hold me and to say everything will be okay, even though it might not. Sometimes I want to tell you I'm not okay, but would that be unfair? Sometimes I am happy. Sometimes I feel free and adventurous. Sometimes I feel like I can accomplish anything. Sometimes I feel like I've transformed into someone way cooler than I ever thought I could be. Sometimes I feel smart and sexy. Sometimes I like being alone more than being with someone, but other times I'm terrified of being by myself. Sometimes is my life. There is no all the time. That's how I've been feeling lately. It's been up and down. All I really want is to be able to accept that this will be my life, but I sometimes wonder if I make it my life and if there's a secret. Maybe I have it all wrong and all I need to do is uncover the secret. But sometimes I feel hopeless, because I know there is no secret.

Whip It.

Okay so it took me long enough, but I finally got to watch the movie Whip It. It's fantastic! I like this movie because it has a great message; be your own hero. Plus it's all about girl power, who doesn't dig that right? But seriously, it's such a great movie. Ellen and Drew rocked this one. You need to check it out. Here's the trailer:



P.s. I totally need to go to a roller derby now. ASAP!!!

P.s.s. Today it has been 6 months since I've had a panic attack. Go me :)

Today Was A Crappy Day.

So among getting totally ripped apart by my teacher, breaking my glasses, finding out my dog has fleas, I also got a phone call from my ex boyfriend. I broke up with him recently and he hasn't talked to me since. That is, until last weekend when he told me over Facebook chat, yes I too thought it was very casual in a good way, that he was now "okay" and that he wanted to be friends again. So since he had decided to be casual about this, I could only assume that he was ready to be friends again, which made me happy because I like having him as a friend. You would think that I would learn by now that just because someone says they want to be friends, it doesn't mean that they just want to be friends. But no, I once again chose to be blind. So today I posted a Facebook status simply saying that I had a crappy day and within about a minute, literally, I got a phone call from none other than the man himself. He wanted to check on me and see how I was. But this led to more talking and he took advantage of this weak moment and used it to his advantage. By the end of this conversation I determined two things. The first is that he and I will never be friends again. He will always want more. The second is that I have forgotten my rule about Facebook. I made a rule about a year and a half ago to limit the amount of information I put onto Facebook. If I put too much information or if I post a status that is too informative about my feelings, thoughts, emotions, or whereabouts then I will pay the price. Someone will always use that information in a negative way. So once again I must crawl back into a hole of self knowledge and limit who knows what. I let my guard down and I instantly got reminded of what happens when I do. I wont be letting my guard down again any time soon. Oh , I also forgot to mention that I am on a guy time out. Yes that's right, I've decided to take this whole next session and focus on myself. I think it'll be a nice change, though there have been doubts. Some say I wont last, but I'm determined this time. If for no other reason than the fact that I really just need an emotional break. I don't care how relaxed, open, commitment free a relationship is, there's always drama. Even just casually dating a guy is overly stressful. So for now I'm just going to focus on what's important.

If I Die Young.

I am in love with this song. Check it out:

And She's back.

It's been a while since I've written and I apologize for that. Moving was crazy and things just got insane. But let me catch you up. In July I just spent time working, hanging out with all of my friends and making sure I got to see everyone I love. In August I went back to Vancouver for a month and packed up all my stuff there so I could bring it all down to California. I also got to bring my dog Holly back down with me, which is awesome! During my time in Vancouver I got to catch up with all my friends and I really had a great time. I missed Vancouver and it was great to see everyone. At the end of august my dad, sister and I drove the rest of my stuff down to California. I also made another move in between all this, I now live in Santa Barbara. I moved just after I got back from Vancouver, which was just in time for me to start my first session at Brooks Institute. Brooks Institute is intense. There are deadlines that can be really hard to meet and its super expensive. But it's also an amazing school. I'm loving every minute of it. For the first time in a while I feel like I'm where I should be and I feel like I'm finally on track. I moved here with a friend and were sharing a two bedroom. That hasn't been working out too well, but it can't all be prefect right? Any ways, I plan to continue with the plans to the side, I just needed a break. So hopefully you'll start reading this again and thanks for the support. Oh and yes, I did have to transfer to the Starbucks here, so once again I'm a barista. But I'm okay with it because my boss said I could hang one of my photographs up on the wall for customers to see, which is so exciting. It's my first wall hanging in a public place, so I'm pretty stoked.

The World Should Stop.

Whenever something bad happens in my life, I forget everything for a second. I drop what ever it is I'm doing and just reflect or accept or process what it is that has happened. Sometimes all I need is a minute, but sometimes it can take me longer. Sometimes I need a day and sometimes I need a lot longer. But the whole world just doesn't stop because something bad happened to you on that day. No, the world will keep going. The earth will keep spinning and people will keep living their lives as if nothing has changed. So what do you do if you can't stop the world, but for the moment your world is stopped? You hope that when you can finally start living again you wont have missed too much.

It Took Me By Surprise.

Just when I was happy and it was really going well, this emotion comes over me. It happens every time I let myself be happy. Maybe when I'm happy I get too reckless, or maybe I'm just not meant to be so happy. Maybe the best I can expect is middle of the road. No more sadness, but no greatness either. I want to say my peak of happiness is worth the pain that follows, but this cannot go on forever. Eventually I need the triggers to stop. Eventually I need to move forward. What if it never happens. What if I'm stuck in this constant cycle? This is no way to live.

Words.

Who has words at the right moment?

Charlotte Bronte (1816-1855)

This Ain't No Disco, It Ain't No Country Club Either, This Is LA!

Hey so I'm, just about ready to hit up LA for the weekend with my mom and sister. It'll be a great weekend, enjoy yours as well. Here's a great one to start it off right:

Relationships.

Every kind of relationship I have....needs work. I've fallen into a me pattern once again. I think about myself way too often these days. Yes, I'm working on myself and trying to find where I want to be in this world. But I've become obsessed with working on myself. Lately I've been worried about a lot of things in my own life, which is fine. But I've let it affect my relationships. My friends are being neglected and that's awful. People depend on me and I've been letting them down. But no more. I will be less focused on myself and more on what's important. I try and be as observant as possible, but I feel like because I'm trying to see everything, I'm missing the big picture all together. Sure I notice all the details everyone else doesn't, but that doesn't mean anything if I'm not seeing what everyone else is.

Thought Today.

At the peak of happiness and joy there is great sorrow and pain. Maybe it's easier to think about sad things when your happy, because when your already sad....thinking about everything else might just be too much.

Roots.

Today I was told I need to have roots. I need to ground myself. Well I'm not too sure how to do that, or even where I should root myself. I don't really have anywhere that I would like to be for a long time. I like moving a lot. I love meeting people and I love living in different places. You get to experience different vibes and different cultures and different ways of life. So until I get that feeling, or until I am forced to root myself, I will continue to move forward. Next is Santa Barbara and then who knows? Possibly Kentucky, or maybe New York. But where ever I go, It probably wont be in California. I love California very much. My experience here has been amazing, but I'll be in Santa Barbara for three years and by then I'll need a new vibe. I'll need new surroundings. It's how I've always lived, so why stop now?

P.s. 11:11...make a wish!

Speech Is No Longer A Concern.

I did it. As of today I am officially free of speech class. I finally passed. I can finally breath again. It's been a constant weight on my chest. But now, the weight is gone. Such a relief!

Freedom From Saddleback.

It's official ladies and gentlemen. I am free. No longer will I be a students at Saddleback. I am officially done and am moving forward. On to a new chapter of my life. Soon I will also be saying goodbye to Orange County and will be moving to Santa Barbara. By the end of August I will be closing this chapter of my life. It's sad in some ways, but I know it's the right decision for me. It was nice to come back to Orange County, but being back has only made me realize that it's time to move forward. I have made friendships that will hopefully last a lifetime, but now it's time for a new adventure. SB here I come!

You Can't Deny The Awesomeness.

I know, people are always talking about how Ke$ha is this and that. Most people have been hating on her lately. But I don't care. All I know is that her music...is awesome. Yes, her video's are strange and she parties a lot...but I'm okay with that. I love listening to her music. It's fun and it makes me want to dance.

Check her latest video out. You'll love the beat.

The Little Things Save You.

Even when things really suck, you have to remember to still enjoy the small things. For example I'm having a horrid weekend so far. But I found out today that golf carts can get tickets, which pretty much made my day. It's just one of those things that you wouldn't think about, but yes, that makes sense. I also finally made it into the circle. I was finally cool enough to have an adventure with someone. I've been waiting for the cool sign and it was finally made. Most people wouldn't even care about this, but it's a personal accomplishment of mine. So even though I had a crappy day, with awful customers at work, I still enjoyed the small things. Oh, plus I've been listening to the Scarlet Johanson and Pete Yorn album; The break up. It's fantastic. It's one of those albums that you have to listen to all at once. It's amazing.

People Need To Realize That Everyone Is Equal.

Lately I've been noticing that people are being super judgmental lately. People just need to stop and re-evaluate. Just because one person believes something you don't, it doesn't make them any less amazing. Everyone has different views and everyone is different. If everyone was the same life would be boring. So get off you high horses and just accept people for who they are. Life would be so much easier if people were more accepting.

Sometimes Pooh Bear Says It Best.

“Sometimes, if you stand on the bottom rail of a bridge and lean over to watch the river slipping slowly away beneath you, you will suddenly know everything there is to be known.”
-Winnie the Pooh

Haunting Voice.

So I'm working on my artist statement right now. I usually put music on in the background to muffle out other noises so I can really focus. While I was typing Brittany Murphy came on, I had my iTunes on shuffle. I've always thought she had an amazing voice, but it really is truly haunting. Its like Patsy Cline in the way that you can truly hear how she's feeling while she's singing. It's very intense. Check out this clip:

History Is Hurting Me.

I have this online history class that I have to take in order to transfer in the fall, so i have to pass. It's not hard but man is it a time eating pain in the ass. It just takes so long to get through, it's hard to focus on it.

Today's Facebook Status

My thoughts race a mile a minute, my views change every mile, and my words get lost every second.

Hollywood.

So my sister and I hit up Hollywood and a few other places around LA today. It was awesome! I love getting out of Orange County. If I don't explore other places I get anxious. After this adventure though, I've re-evaluated my priorities. It was pay off my credit card and then a car, but now the car is first. Sharing a car with morgan is becoming too challenging and I like my freedom, which is severely threatened when I don't have a car. It's very upsetting.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

So today I decided to put my ipod on shuffle and it did me proud. An Aretha Franklin song came on and it just rocked my world. I forgot just how great her songs are. But the bizarre thing is that I used to hate the song Say A Little Prayer For Me, possibly because of the relation to My Best Friends Wedding. But for some reason today it especially rocked my world. So here it is.



I also must include this performance of Day Dreaming. Its great.



I couldn't post something about Aretha and not post R-E-S-P-E-C-T. So here its is.

P.s. its epic.

Loving My Breaks A Little Too Much.

So lately I've began to notice just how I enjoy going on my half at work. It's a combination of things that can make it great. First there's the obvious factor, I get to stop working for a bit. Especially since I'm at the point where I remember why I quit this job so many times. But when you add in a cigarette and a country band playing in the marine room, its amazing. It's just so calming for some reason. Or if the bands off that day a nice sunset does the trick too. But either way I work in a super nice place so it's nice to enjoy it on my half.

P.s. 9 months till 21!!!

Complicating The Already Complicated.

Life is complicated. Its simple. There's no other way to explain it. But what makes it so much worse is that I over-complicate the already complicated. Why I do this I have no idea. Sometimes I wish I could turn my thoughts off, but at the same time I love my over-thinking. I just wish it wouldn't cause so much stress.

One Small Step For Puppies Everywhere.

I always love when I see paw prints in concrete, expecially puppy paw prints. I like puppy prints the best because that way there will always be proof of a dogs younger years. It always makes me smile because I can just imagine a puppy getting into trouble and walking all over the wet concrete....so cute!

As The Lights Changed.

I was standing in Laguna on my half listening to the waves crash against the shore. While doing this, I was watching the traffic light change from green to yellow to red. It became the chorus to the song I was listening to. The people and cars were the jumbled lyrics in between. What I didnt realize was that it was actually my song. It's a song about going full speed ahead, then thinking about what you've just done. But by the time you try and stop you've already crashed into the shore.

Hard Road.

Watch this video. Listen to the lyrics. Read the lyrics. Let the lyrics speak to you as they spoke to me.



Lyrics to Hard Road by Sam Roberts.
Feel, feel it grow
In your mind, in your mind
Life is how you live it
Through time, through time

And there's no desert sun that is hot enough to feed your fire
We shipwreck like fools only to become the ocean's choir
And the sun dies until it's reborn
But there's no road that ain't a hard road to travel on

Got lost on the way, but you found the road again
Stay true to your friends, cause they'll save you in the end

There must be something in the air, in the air
Some kind of answer to my prayers, to my prayers
Some kind of answer to my prayers
Been dying since the day I was born
'Cause there's no road that ain't a hard road to travel on

I have a vision in my mind of a life that I've left behind
Yeah, can't you see that lost souls can't swim
You know you'll sink, but you still jump in
And it's alright to get caught stealing back what you've lost
Yeah, don't you know that lost souls can't swim
You beat them back, but they drag you in
And I can't say that I am sorry for all my many sins

And you try to find a love that'll see you through your darkest days
And her soft brown hair is as long as the Canadian highway
When the sun dies until it's reborn
But there's no road that ain't a hard road to travel on

Been dying since the day I was born
'Cause there's no road that ain't a hard road to travel on

There must be something in the air,in the air
(repeat)

The Layers Of Life.

Have you ever noticed that things in life can be sectioned into layers? Some of the best things in life are the things that are made from the layers overlapping or meeting. An example of this would be a reese peanut butter cup. You have your chocolate and your peanut butter, but together it's amazing. Another example would be rain with sunshine causing a rainbow. There are all these different things that are so beautiful. Think about it.

My Photography And The Roads I Could Take It Down.

There are so many aspects of photography. I keep trying to master it and excel in each aspect, but then I'll realize there's another aspect that I've either ignored or never thought about. I have one of those personalities that makes me want to do everything at once, but sadly I cannot. Lately I've been so focused on trying to make my pictures more dynamic and more different so they stick out. But then the other day I was talking to Jeff (who was sitting beside me on my flight home from Calgary) and he was telling me about how he feels the most successful pictures are the ones people can relate to. And he's right. If you cant relate to it then you wont understand it. I love looking at things I don't understand because it lets me know I have many things to learn still and also I like to try and understand it anyways. But that's just me. Most people probably hate looking at something they don't understand. So now when I look through all the pictures I took in Calgary, or any that I have taken in general, there's none that anyone could relate to. So now I have about a million and one projects that I need to shoot. The worst part is that it's killing me a little. I have all these ideas and I'm almost afraid I'll forget what it is I want to do. I mean sure I write them down, but there's always something you forget to write down. My thoughts are consumed in these ideas I have. I wish I had all the time in the world to devote to photography.

Quote Today

She generally gave herself very good advice (though she very seldom followed it).
-Lewis Carroll

Define Home.

When you’ve moved as much as I have, you define home differently than most. Some call home where ever their parents live, while others call their birthplace home. I define my home as Calgary. Why? Because I lived in Calgary for 7 years. It’s the longest I’ve ever lived anywhere, which means I have the most memories there. It’s also where I became very aware about the rest of the world. I had my first boyfriend in Calgary which also brought my first kiss, first dance, and first break up. It’s where I started high school and where I made life long friends. It’s also where my family endured it’s best and worst times. I faced my worst experience in Calgary, which will make it a big part of my life forever. So because it’s been such a crucial part of my life, I can’t go more than a year without going back. I’m not too sure how long exactly it’s been since I’ve been back, but I know it’s been too long. I’ve began to travel to other places and experience new things. I always get caught up in going somewhere new. Once I’ve been somewhere, I’m always on to the next thing. But every once in a while it’s nice to go back. It’s nice to see friendly faces that love you for you.

The friends I have in Calgary are life long friends for the simple reason that they’ve seen me through it all. They were there to watch me awkwardly grow and have seen most of my embarrassing moments or at least have heard about them, and I them. We are tied together by the memories of our childhood past. Back when things were simple and we only worried about where we were going to camp out that weekend. But were also tied by the fact that we went through the growing process together. We were there for each as life began to get more confusing and more frustrating. We became dependent on each other for support as life got harder and it will be a life long dependence I’m sure. I’ve always been scared of being dependent on others. People can leave you, people can hurt you, and people can sure as hell screw you over. But for some reason I’m okay with being dependent on the people I cherish so much in Calgary. I think it’s because before I began to question trust, I trusted these people and to this day, these select people have never let me down. They are the rocks I lean on.

I like the idea of moving around a lot. I like the idea of keeping people on their toes and never staying in the same place too long. I want to see the world and I refuse to be held down. Anyone can travel and move around if they want to, but in the end it’s easier for most not to. Most don’t have the desire to move and live in another city. They are happy where they are and that’s okay, but for me, living in the same place will never satisfy me. At least not for a very long time. I want to meet as many people as I can and I want to see as much as I can. I’ve met people with the same perspective as me, with one major difference. They want to meet many people but they don’t stay in contact with them. What’s the point in that? I sure don’t understand it. I personally love each person I’ve become friends with and I try and stay in contact with as many people as I can. I want people to be apart of my journey, but I want them to stay apart of it. I know some people are just meant to make an appearance, but I always hope that everyone will be a main character. When someone only makes an appearance, it means you have to say goodbye. I’ve always been bad at saying goodbye. It’s hard to admit that you wont see someone again. What makes it worse is that when I visit Calgary, people always think it’s the last time they’ll see me. So we have an amazing time and then they pull out the super long hug that feels like your loosing apart of yourself when you finally let go. They don’t know what I’ll do and when I’ll be back. And it’s true that I also don’t know. It could be another year before I’m back in Calgary again after this trip. But I know I’ll always go back. Going back home is always humbling and sometimes you need to be humbled. Sometimes you have to return to where it all began. If your feeling lost, it’s a great thing to do.

Right now, in my life, I’m at a crossroads. I can move to San Francisco or Santa Barbara. Either one of these places would be a great experience for me. If I go to San Fran then I will have another chance to branch out like I did in Vancouver. I know I’ll meet some amazing people and it would be the college experience I’ve always wanted. But if I move to Santa Barbara then I’ll be closer to my sister and I’ll be able to fully immerse myself in my photography, which is something i’d really like to do. In the end it always comes down to money I suppose. I’m not too sure where I’ll decide to go. But I still have some time to figure it out.

The Airport.

The airport is a strange place. It’s a place of transition. People are either taking a journey somewhere or heading home. The basic question; business or pleasure? Now what I don’t understand is why after so many airport visits I still cannot seem to be prepared enough for the journey. Today I forgot to pack my phone and laptop chargers. So half way to the airport I had to make my friend drive back. Time wasting is my specialty it seems. Thank goodness I remembered my passport. Then once I got to the airport, I didn’t know which airline I was checking in to. This is because I booked my flight with Air Canada, but the flight was actually with United. It’s all very confusing and I’m just glad I found my way to the gate. Most people always complain about delayed flights and having to sit in the airport for an extra hour or two. But I personally love sitting in the airport. It’s one of my favorite people watching places. At the airport you have people from all walks of life. While people watching at the airport today I did notice two things. The first was that woman wear the most awkward shoes to the airport. I saw a lot of tiny heels that slip off very easily and cause problems when your also pulling luggage. I mean why not make it easier on yourself and wear flats? The other thing I saw a lot of was fanny packs. I know I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again. Fanny Packs are coming back. I always see people rocking them, especially at airports and fairs.

Dramatic Moments.

Dramatic moments really are the best. They are the moments that define everything. Little may happen, but so much is happening at the same time.

In this clip, for example, Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennett are both realizing their feelings for each other. But at the same time Elizabeth does not know what to think about Mr. Darcy, nor does Darcy about Elizabeth. I think it's the moment when they both open their minds to the idea of each other. I love this scene:



If i'm going to include that scene then I must include this one as well. This is the moment when Darcy professes his love for Elizabeth. But instead of admitting she feels the same, Elizabeth calls Darcy out on his shit. It's great!

Congrats Canada!!!

So there I was at work, waiting for the answer. Which team would take control? I wanted Canada to win for so many reasons. They deserved to win and it would be our chance to show the world. Everyone has been so hard on Canada and it's involvement with the Olympics this year. I wanted Canada to shine in everyone else's eyes the way it does in mine. It's an amazing country, full of amazing people. So when I got the text message that Canada had taken control and won 3-2 in over time, I was so proud. It's a great accpmplishment for Canada and it helped to end the Olympics on a great note.

Plus it's exactly 10 months until my 21st birthday. So it must be a sign that my birthday will be amazing!!!

Socially Greedy

So once again I am feeling left out. I've been feeling left out ever since the Olympics started. Just 4 months ago I was complaining how I wanted to be back in Orange County. But now that i'm in Orange County, all I want to do is go back to Vancouver. I guess I will always be socially greedy. I just always want to be everywhere at once. Maybe it's because i'm so curious. I just always want to see what's going on. When ever someone tells me about an event, I always wish I was there.

Without Suffering, No Compassion.

To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose, the next best.
William Makepeace Thackeray (1811-1863)

I wish we could all win. Everyone deserves someone. I wish life was fair and that everyone could be happy all the time. I've been told that without suffering, there's no compassion. But we wouldn't need compassion then, so why does that matter? We love people for who they are, not for what they've been through. I think the most unfair thing is to love and then lose that love. I know people have said that it's the opposite, but I don't understand why. Wouldn't it be better to be kept in the dark then? That way you wouldn't know what your missing. When you love and then loose, it's as if your body and mind are under a constant attack. Your mind wanders, your body shakes and feels weak, and your heart aches. It feels like you should stop breathing because each breath hurts a little more. I mean the memories are great, but it hurts more to know that we wont have anymore. I wouldn't give up those memories now that I have them, but If I had a choice before and I knew the ending, I would have chosen not to have them. Now I'm scared and wishing i'd know your okay and everything will be alright. But thats not how it works. That would be fair and i'd be happy.

When His Guard Is Down.

Every once in a while a guy will open up and let his guard down and decide to tell me something personal. Each time this happens I find it to be an amazing experience. Maybe it means more to me than it should, but I find it to be a very eye widening experience. When a guy opens up to me, it's as if he's bearing everything. It's not like when most girls share, it seems to be easier for women to share their feelings and thoughts. But when a guy shares it's an intense trust that you've earned and what ever it is that he's deciding to tell you will change your entire outlook about him, usually for the better. Some guys view sharing what's on their mind or their problems as a weakness, but I find it to not only be attractive, but also very strengthening.

To Dance In A Store.

There was an empty store, only the couple who were madly in love and the barista making the drinks. As the couple were talking about something unimportant, a Frank Sinatra song came on. It was slow and romantic, the kind you play at a wedding. So the man took his dates hand and asked her to dance. She seemed surprised, but the smile on her face was enough to let the man know she was happy he had asked. They swayed along with the music and got caught up in their feelings of love and desire. It was a movie scene, surreal and wonderful. It was a moment I only hope to have one day.

Clouds And Doors.

Have you ever noticed how amazing clouds are? I find them so amazing. They're like a snowflake, every one is different. There's a storm coming in to Orange County right now, so we have these big dark clouds hovering above us. But since it's pre-storm we also have the sun shining through. It's making for some awesome pictures. I think I love clouds so much because they can be so dramatic. I also like them because I feel like theyr're unappreciated. No one ever looks up anymore. Everyone always has somewhere to be. Next chance you get look up at the sky. What ever you see will be beautiful.

I also love to photograph doors. They have such history behind each of them. Where did the door come from? Whose gone through the door? What's happened behind the door? If doors could talk, I'm sure it would be worth listening to.

Doogie Rocks It!

So I just watched an episode of Doogie Howser for the first time and I actually really enjoyed it. I think I'll probably look into this show a little further. Also on the list of shows I need to watch is Lost. I told myself I wouldn't get sucked into the fan club, but then I watched an episode. It's just so dramatic and thought provoking. I love it! Anyways, here's the episode of Doogie Howser that I watched.

Looking Back.

Blogging really is a great idea. It's a way for you to share your deep thoughts and it's a way for you to share ideas as they come. I've been looking over some past entries and it takes me back to which ever day I wrote the entry. I like this because its helps me remember. I sometimes get caught up in one thing that I forgot another. Plus, it lets me see how I've grown/ how I need to still grow in a lot of aspects. It's a way for me to look back at different view points I've had in the past.

Underrated Country.

People don't ever enjoy the simple things in life anymore. Things run at such a high pace these days, people are always on the move. Most people my age aren't too fond of Country music, but I love it. It's simple and enjoyable. I also like the fact that it can be very visual. Most times a song will paint a picture or a movie to play in your head as you listen along. I like that. Plus you can always sing along to Country.

Adventure Day.

So today I am feeling the need for adventure. When ever I get stressed out the best thing for me to do is to open my mind. Either going to a museum or somewhere I've never been before usually does the trick. I was originally going to meet up with my friend and go to the Flea Market off of Fairfax in LA, but sadly that adventure will be temporarily postponed until next week. So instead I'm thinking the Santa Ana Zoo. I didn't even know it existed until this morning, so I figure it's an excellent idea.

Life Is A Struggle.

Nothing is ever easy or simple. Most things that are worth anything require work. My education requires a lot of work because it's worth more than most. I have to fight. I'm a fighter. I don't just give up and say thank you I'll go away now. No I will fight until I find my answer, what ever it may be. I will find a solution. Not just where my education is concerned, but with everything I'm having troubles with. I'll be okay. I always am. I'm still here aren't I? That says a lot about me I suppose, or maybe not. But the point is that I need to know everything will be okay. So I'll tell myself everyday if I have to, "It's going to be okay."

The Pressure Is On.

Why is it when you have all the time in the world, you become road blocked? But when you have a solid hour to do way more than you can, you become inspired. It's crazy! So I just applied to the Art Center College Of Design and I have to say, my essay answers were damn good...I hope. But I'm also applying to the Brooks Institute. I didn't fill out my application for Brooks yet though because I'm not too sure which concentration I want. They have so many amazing programs to choose from. Right now I've narrowed it down to Portraiture or Photo Media. Portraiture would be good because I love people and I would love to learn every aspect of taking portraits. But Photo Media would be good because I love learning about digital post-production and it covers photography, film, and the computer. So i'd get to learn all aspects which would be amazing. Job wise I have no idea which one would be better. But my friend gave me the advice to worry about the job later. Go to school for what I want and then find a job with the skills I have. But I still have no idea which one to pick. So I have to set up meetings with both schools. So hopefully I hear from them soon and I can stop worrying about school so much. I'm obsessing over it and I know it's going to drive me mad.

A Bad Day Can Shed More Light Than A Good Day.

So today was awful. I found out I didn't get accepted to Long Beach State, my ex boyfriend wouldn't stop asking me out for valentines day, the Olympics start today, I'm broke, work was super busy and we were understaffed. I've been so excited about staying here and going to school near my sister. I was making all these great plans. But now they're all a waste. I've spent two Valentines Days with my ex boyfriend and both were bad. Plus after everything he's done, I need to stay far away from him. I wish I was in Vancouver so bad some days. I really do miss the days I spent walking to the aquarium through the park. I wish I had been able to stay for the Olympics. I'm missing so much by not being there. I'm missing out on so many opportunities. I just wish I could be in two places at once sometimes. And as far as work is concerned, that was a disaster. It was just so busy. Plus I was only working with one other person the whole night, which is such a bad idea on friday nights. But on the other side of things, I realized I actually have some good friends. I mean I know I have a good bunch here, but for some reason they were just here for me today. I really just needed some people to say were here for you, and they did just that. Some of them have no idea they did this, but I think that's what makes it even better. So thanks to all of you who decided to let me know your here for me. I appreciate it more than you'll ever know.

Disappointment Never Gets Easier.

I made my plans. I finally had a journey I felt good about. Why couldn't this one thing workout for me? Life is a mystery I wish I understood just a little more. Just so I could know why the things that I become so dependent on go wrong or go away. Long Beach was the plan. It was a good one. I felt good about it. Now the plan is broken. It can no longer be. Why? Because yet again my bones from the past have been dug up. If I hadn't have left, I would have had another semester at Saddleback and then maybe with a higher GPA I would have gotten in. But no, I took the easy way out and ran away. This is my price I suppose. Now it's either Fullerton or San Francisco. But I don't feel half as good about either of those. San Francisco was my old plan, but I made it when I was someone else. It may not be the right plan for me anymore. What if I go and it's wrong? I've already fallen behind. I can't keep falling. I thought I was done falling.

When Little Things Become A Challenge.

There is this constant pain I feel. It takes me over, body and mind. When I find myself alone and able to be with my thoughts, I begin to feel it. It becomes hard to breath, it would be easier to stop breathing. It feels as if I should cry but if I were to loose control the probability of me getting control again would be nearly impossible. It's all so dramatic, yet it's constant. I have two extremes, no medium. I can be at the height of happiness and feel completely safe and secure. Or I hit bottom and feel this uncontrollable sorrow. I feel like I'm alone in this. There should be a medium in there somewhere right? Shouldn't I be able to roll with the punches by now?

Not A Second Thought.

There was this girl, her name was unimportant. She was a mystery to most. There were few who had the pleasure to know her deepest thoughts. She questioned everything in life. Because of this she lived to be spontaneous. She tried to act before she questioned, in an effort to really live. But her brain would never stop. It only processed and wandered. There was one man who could help to calm her thoughts, but he didn't give her a second thought.

Waiting For The Answer.

She waited for her answer knowing it would still be days, if not weeks, before an answer would appear. Did she get in? Was her life finally going to go down the right path? The "correct" path as it had been called so many times before. Would fate throw her a bone or would there yet again be a river to cross. She was trying to figure out other options if it did not work out. But there were no others. This was it. She had to be accepted. It was time. It was her time.

Unclear.

It is unclear to me what I want. What I need will never be answered, but I do have to decide what I want. I can want to be drama-free. I can want to be unsociable. I can want to be understood. But I believe I want to feel, even if it is mostly pain I am feeling. I believe I want to be social, even if it is only to observe what others call normal. I believe I desire someone to want to understand me, but I will never fully open up.

Frustration.

She sat there with only thoughts and unclear memories. Reviewing the past, from what she remembered, and trying to find the missing pieces. Her breathing slowed and the pain began to build. Finally, after days of avoiding processing, she began to process all that had happened. The idea of this had been intense, but the fact that it had all actually happened was too much. It was never supposed to happen. It was only a thought, maybe a dream, an idea that had left her mind. What was there to do but drink and let the pain fill the void. She could not avoid dealing with this any longer. The pain was clawing to get out the way a lion claws to try and get out of a cage. So she lay there, bottle in hand, and sank into a pit of despair. She let the pain run through her body and with every breath, there was a little more pain.

Curveball.

You know when life throws you that curveball and it's one thats a little more delicate? Well I got thrown one of those. It's delicate in the way that it could change everything or nothing at all. But no matter what, it happened, and you cant take it back. But your not too sure you want to take it back. No I know I don't want to take it back.

Did He As She.

She wondered if he thought of her, the way she thought of him. She wondered if he meant the things he said; the way she meant the things she said.

Natural Light Assignment.

So I have to take this beginning digital photo class to get my associates this semester. I figured this class would be boring just because its a beginning photo class. I already have the basics down. But our assignment for this week was natural lighting and I'm actually learning a lot. I always look for the picture that someone else doesn't see. So for this assignment I was looking at more obvious photos. I was looking for light right in front of me. And I realized that there's so much I've been missing.

First Day at Starbucks.

Okay so I went back to my old store. But there were no jobs. I moved back right after the holidays. People were laying off, not hiring. So my old store took me back thankfully. But this store is a lot easier to work at than the one in Vancouver. My boss and everyone at the this store is a lot nicer.

What if...

What if we went back to before, when it all seemed so possible. Would we change anything? Would we want a different ending? All I know is that I wouldn't change a thing.

No Personal View.

She looked at the world as she always had. Thinking she had no personal view. She was especially unaware of the fact that she saw what most did not. As she grew older, she began to understand. Her views on life and how she saw things were truly extraordinary.

Too Dependent.

All my life I've been avoiding relationships and becoming too dependent on them. I see people who are in love and how they act. Most couples become so dependent on each other that if one of them left the others world would stop. That sounds terrifying to me. On the one hand to find someone you love that much must be an amazing experience. But what happens when the other person does leave? Is it worth it to go through all that pain? But I've also noticed that because I avoid becoming too dependent on one person I've become dependent on a lot of my friends. Which is maybe not so great just because sometimes I can be a bit intense. I don't know if I'll ever be able to depend on just one person. But I do know that I have some amazing friends.

New Apartment.

Okay so I've officially got my room set up. I took over Morgan's living room and made it home. Surprisingly, I love it. It's my first step to independence and I love that. I'm finally free in so many ways. My teenage years have left me along with my free meals, free rent, and laundry. But I accept this. I'm finally starting my life and I couldn't be happier.

Happy 2010!

So it is now the year 2010. We still don't have the technology we're supposed to. But I think we've come a long way from the year 2000. This past decade was a big one for me. It was my entire teenage experience. A lot happened. But I don't regret a single minute of it. Everything that happened, good or bad, made me who I am today.