Almost Doesn't Count.

Mr. Know It All.

Have You Ever?

Living For Two.

Everyday seems to just hurt like hell. Each day of November my heart breaks just a little bit more, which is hard to do since it's already broken. Each day is like another stab from the knife. It doesn't matter how long, it still feels like I just lost you. It still feels like your supposed to be calling me at any minute. I just want to hear your voice. You knew how to make me bold and how to make me strong and how to make me safe. But now I'm just searching for those feelings. I can feel them, but they leave me almost as fast as I find them. I do things I know I shouldn't do, I say things I know I don't mean. The people around me don't know what I'm doing and I feel like I'm a stranger to most. Those that know me, I'm almost afraid to be around them. They'll see the signs, they'll worry, they'll know I'm acting out and I don't want it to get out of hand. But being reckless, being crazy and wild and just living, it's only way I can distract myself. If I'm not doing exactly what I want, then it's almost like I'm living a half life. And without you, for you, I need to live for both of us, so a half life just wont do. But that's the expectation of everyone around me. Great expectations of a broken soul.......perhaps those expectations of those around are just too high.

Me And Tennessee

A Break.

I'm doing really good. I'm happy, I'm driven, I'm feeling challenged, and I'm feeling inspired. But just for this next month, I'm going to take a break. It's exhausting fighting and being happy when all you wanna do is hide in a corner with a bottle of jack and remember the old times, before you even thought about hiding in a corner. This month is going to be hard, It's going to hurt. How It's already been a year, I have no idea. And I can't really decide if I'm proud or ashamed of my year. In a lot of ways I'm so proud of all the long nights and of all of the stuff I've had to go through to get here. But is it enough, have I done enough?

La Vie En Rose.

I love this song <3

The Hollow Men.

The Hollow Men
T. S. Eliot

A penny for the Old Guy

I

We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
Our dried voices, when
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass
Or rats’ feet over broken glass
In our dry cellar

Shape without form, shade without colour,
Paralysed force, gesture without motion;

Those who have crossed
With direct eyes, to death’s other Kingdom
Remember us—if at all—not as lost
Violent souls, but only
As the hollow men
The stuffed men.

II

Eyes I dare not meet in dreams
In death’s dream kingdom
These do not appear:
There, the eyes are
Sunlight on a broken column
There, is a tree swinging
And voices are
In the wind’s singing
More distant and more solemn
Than a fading star.

Let me be no nearer
In death’s dream kingdom
Let me also wear
Such deliberate disguises
Rat’s coat, crowskin, crossed staves
In a field
Behaving as the wind behaves
No nearer—

Not that final meeting
In the twilight kingdom

III

This is the dead land
This is cactus land
Here the stone images
Are raised, here they receive
The supplication of a dead man’s hand
Under the twinkle of a fading star.

Is it like this
In death’s other kingdom
Waking alone
At the hour when we are
Trembling with tenderness
Lips that would kiss
Form prayers to broken stone.

IV

The eyes are not here
There are no eyes here
In this valley of dying stars
In this hollow valley
This broken jaw of our lost kingdoms

In this last of meeting places
We grope together
And avoid speech
Gathered on this beach of the tumid river

Sightless, unless
The eyes reappear
As the perpetual star
Multifoliate rose
Of death’s twilight kingdom
The hope only
Of empty men.

V

Here we go round the prickly pear
Prickly pear prickly pear
Here we go round the prickly pear
At five o’clock in the morning.

Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act
Falls the Shadow
For Thine is the Kingdom

Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Falls the Shadow
Life is very long

Between the desire
And the spasm
Between the potency
And the existence
Between the essence
And the descent
Falls the Shadow
For Thine is the Kingdom

For Thine is
Life is
For Thine is the

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

Loud Music.

I love this new song by Michelle Branch......sooo cute! <3

Sooner Or Later.

Sooner or later, your gonna wish you had me.

Nobody Sees Them Standing.

I love this scene from Meet Me In St. Louis. <3

Never Neverland.

I remember when I was still in high school trying to figure out what classes to take at community college. I had this feeling of an eternity of school staring at me in the face. I wasn't even 18 at that time. But somehow four years have now gone by. It's amazing how much can happen in one persons life. There are so many people who were so important back then that I now miss, but can never talk to again. I'm such a different person from who I used to be and that boggles my mind. I have no idea how I got here. So much has happened and so much has affected me. Sometimes I miss who I was, but I also like who I am now. I was very oblivious before and it had a lot of negative effects on my life, but it also created a less complicated life. Now my eyes are open and I see the world for what it is and people for who they are, but man is life insane, complicated, dark, and intense. If only I could have stayed young. I should have just flown away to Never Neverland.

It seems so easy.....

All My Life.

Tonight I had pandora on and our song started to play. <3 Miss you always.

Romantic.

This song always sweeps me off my feet.

Your Touch.

I miss your touch, the connection, the love. When we were together you made me feel sexy, beautiful, and strong. I miss the way your touch told me everything I needed to know about you. You were loving, caring, strong, and protective. You knew how to make me feel comfortable and at ease, which is task no one else has mastered. Somehow you knew how to stop my mind and how to make me forget and focus on what was happening then at that moment. It was a gift. I have never felt as safe as I did in those moments. If only you could be forgiving. For someone to love me and to be able to stay around they must be forgiving. Sadly you could not forgive my many faults and that is something I cannot forgive. But on nights like this, I still miss you, your touch, your love, and us.

1 + 1

I love this song. I couldn't find the music video, so I'm just posting the audio. This song is so beautiful.

It's Time.

So today I booked my ticket to fly into Calgary. I am going to say goodbye to him. I will visit him and tell him how much he was loved and say goodbye. Wow. I just realized i'll be saying goodbye. It's so final, goodbye. But then again, so is death, they go hand in hand. I've only ever said a final goodbye once before, and that was to my grandfather. But I was a lot younger and I didn't really understand the concept of death and what it meant. At least not like I do now. Right now I miss him and I want to call him, sometimes I call his cell number, but it has been disconnected for a while now. I have yet to erase him from my phone. But even with no contact, in the back of my mind he could just be busy or have a new number. I still think maybe he'll call today and this whole thing will just be this huge mistake. But that doesn't happen in real life and I need to accept this. So I will go and I will try and accept what has happened. I only hope it wont destroy me in the process.

Another Day, Another Struggle.

Today was hard. I wanted to tell you about this project I'm working on and I wanted you to know about my life. All I want to do is share it with you. But your not around anymore. Your not even a phone call away, which I still don't accept. I look at the stars and I want so badly for you to be somehow seeing me. I just need you to know I miss you. It's become so selfish, these feelings of loss, regret, sadness, guilt, and so much more. But as hard as I try, I'll always be selfish. So for this reason alone, I selfishly continue to miss you.

My Self Portrait.

I Love You.

I love you and will continue to love you in a way no one else ever will. You were and are my everything. I breath because you give me the strength to take a breath. I find the courage to take a breath when I don't want to because you taught me how to keep breathing through the pain.

Skyscraper.

So don't judge me for this, but I totally love this song. It's beyond empowering and beautiful. It shows a strength so many people need. I relate to it much too well. People will do anything to tear you down, but you need to find a way to keep going past them. Thats what this song is about.

Don't Hold Your Breath.

This is for all the women out there that can relate to this song. Stay strong, don't go back. You deserve better, we all do.

Peanut Butter And Jelly.

It started off simple, two friends who got along as well as peanut butter and jelly. Soon friends transformed into something much deeper, soul mates. The evolution of their love was epic. They went through the kind of hardships that most would break over, but instead they fought through them and stood strong together. They felt the pain of death, but it made them realize the beauty of each other. When one failed, the other helped them to succeed and vice versa. They dealt with betrayal from the outside world, but together they moved past it. They also felt an overwhelming amount of passion for each other. They longed to hold each other. They longed to inspire each other. They longed to create happiness for each other.

Salvation, Where Art Thou?

I'm drowning. In your memory, in my sorrow, confusion, stillness, regret, and unanswered questions that haunt me. It's all becoming too much. It hurts. It isn't going away, only amplifying. Will visiting you be enough? Will I be able to get past this? Maybe it's not something I can do on my own. Maybe I need more. I'm not sure anymore. I only know that tonight was hard. All I do is think. I get imprisoned in my brain sometimes, and when that happens it goes dark. I need salvation, I need it before I ruin these things that are so good. My life is good. I'm in a good place, nothing can change this. I'll do whatever I need to, in order to protect where I am in my life right now.

Just Tonight.

A Single Moment.

People just keep fading away. The just drift off and soon they aren't calling you back, writing you back, soon you've lost all contact. I've never really understood why people just fade away after a while. I've never known a time where I didn't have a moment for a friend, but I suppose that's because I understand what that moment could mean to someone. A single moment is all it takes for someone to make a life-altering decision. A single moment.

Paper Aeroplane.

I love this.

Keith.

I watched the movie Keith today, it made me think of Ben. Everything makes me think of him. He haunts me in a way that sends tears to my eyes instantly. It's like the moment I think of him, I instantly get stabbed in the stomach and nothing else matters. Nothing seems important anymore. I've felt like this before and it scares me because the last time I felt like this nothing mattered. The things I did, the people I hurt, the pain I caused, all of it was because I just didn't care. My life has become too important to not care. If I stop caring now, i'll loose everything. It will all go away. Disapear. I cant loose everything all over again. It was so hard to go through what I went through last time, all the emotions I never understood. But now these deep, controlling emotions are back, and I'm at a loss about what to do. I could start taking something, but would that help? I could talk to someone, but most are gone now. Those that have stayed with me, well they don't deserve for me to put them through my pain again. Most are happy right now, excelling in their lives, which I find to be a beautiful and amazing thing. I guess the only thing that is left is hope. Hopefully I can be strong enough to control these emotions. I have to fight them and be stronger, I need to be strong. If only it was as easy to do as it is to type.

You're The One That I Want.

This is an awesome cover.

Big Jet Plane.

She smelled of daisies...

November 14th Vs. November 15th.

It amazes me what can happen in just a few hours. It was his birthday, ya know, on the 14th of November. He died early in the morning on the 15th of November. In the obituary it says that he died at the age of 21. He never knew, understood, lived, experienced the age of 21.

Little Lion Man.

Dog Days Are Over.

Love this song.

Can You Feel The Love Tonight?

I love this song.

Your Song.

This song is one of my favorites. It's beautiful and sweeps me off my feet every time.

Grandad And Sinatra.

I've always loved Sinatra, since forever basically. Tonight I was watching From Here To Eternity, a movie with Sinatra in it. While watching this movie it kept making me think about my grandad. He died when I was younger, I think I was 6. I have a few memories of him, but not nearly enough. For the most part I think I know him more through the stories my family has told me about him. As far as I can tell, he was someone I think I could have talked to for hours. I always feel like I missed out on some amazing conversations with him. I think that's why I've always liked Sinatra, especially his movies, because I think it makes me feel closer to my grandad. That may sound crazy, but that's okay. They looked a lot alike, especially as he got older.

Are You Lonesome Tonight?

I'm feeling Elvis tonight....he's always a lovely friend to have around on nights like these.

Turn Off Your Mind, Relax.

I'm really feeling the Beatles today, especially the song Tomorrow Never Knows. So check it out :)

Sorrow For The Dead.

The sorrow for the dead is the only sorrow from which we refuse to be divorced. Every other wound we seek to heal—every other affliction to forget; but this wound we consider it a duty to keep open—this affliction we cherish and brood over in solitude.

- Washington Irving (1783-1859)

A Part Of Me Is MIssing.

I keep waiting for you to call me or text me randomly like you used to. I keep thinking that maybe you just got a new phone or something and that's why I haven't heard from you. I can't seem to accept that you're really gone. It doesn't make sense to me that you're no longer able to just show up and surprise me. It doesn't make sense to me, the fact that you'll never hold me or whisper those words that always made me calm down when I was a wreck. It just doesn't make sense that I'll never be able to tell you or hear you say I love you. I miss you every day. Everything, all that I am is because of you. You showed me things that I never would have seen. Your love made me stronger and your faith in me made me believe in myself. Without you, I don't know who I'd be today. I wish you were here with me now, I need you more than ever and the fact that you cant be here is what hurts the most. A part of me is missing and I'll never get that part back.

Just Scream!

I feel contained and restricted. All I want to do is scream my head off, swear like a sailor, and then do something completely random, crazy, or reckless, or all 3 if I can make it happen. Maybe it's because I want a distraction, maybe it's because I know you wont be calling me anytime soon, or maybe it's because I'm not as ready to face reality as I thought I was. But once again, I am going to give in to this urge. Watch out, because this weekend is going to be crazy.

Fefe Dobson Overload.

Okay, so I'm totally in love with Fefe Dobson right now. So here's a couple of video's to get you in a Fefe loving mood too ;)

It's Time To Allow Depression To Take Over.

I'm tired of pretending everything is under control. I'm tired of making everyone think I'm totally okay. It's more exhausting than just being sad and it's also more painful. So just for a little while, I am going to drown in sorrow. I am just going to allow myself to be sad and not worry if someone else will notice. It's been a while, so most people aren't asking me if I'm okay anymore, which means most people probably wont notice, which is exactly what I want. I just want to be allowed to be sad without worrying if others are worrying. So maybe this will help me, I don't know what else there is to do.

Balance.

Ones life requires great thought, planning, and carefulness, for one wrong choice can upset the entire balance. Yet the notion to be reckless pops into my head more than any other.

The Time Has Come.

The time has come for me to go, but I'm not ready to do so. I have so much I wanted to do, so many people I wanted to see, so much I wanted to say, but time would not slow down for me and now I've run out of it. I will not get to go for another walk in the park and watch the swans dance around the lake, nor will I have another chance to watch the city move around me. I will not get another chance to sit upon the rooftop which I love so much, nor will I get to watch the float planes take off and land in a way that seems so graceful. Alas, I can feel this rip upon my soul, tearing as I further my distance between the life I loved so much here and this new life I live now. I feel confused and saddened. I love this new life I am apart of now, but I will always cherish my time in this place that gave me so much of myself. Parts that I thought had been lost forever, were found in such simple ways in this place I will always view as home.

If Only.

If only I could hold onto this. I'm trying so hard to memorize this moment. I'm breathing deeply through my nose for the smell. I'm listening silently so I can hear all the sounds this city makes. I'm looking around, barely blinking, trying to memorize everything I see. I even take a picture with my phone, though I know it will not be the same when I look at it later. If only I could hold onto this.

How I've Missed You So.

Oh Vancouver, How I've missed you so! I've missed your beauty, your inspiration, and your love. Your warm and kind citizens know how to embrace one so, and for that I will always have a special place for you. You never fail to inspire me in a new and exciting way each day. While here, not once have I felt a lacking in ideas. If only I could hold onto this feeling forever. This feeling that has come over me, which is full of happiness.

Snow Makes Everything New.

Today I arrived in Vancouver. How I've missed it so. The moment I arrived it began to snow, which made me ecstatic. I've missed snow and its beauty. I love how it can make everything look so different and how it can make everything new again. In some ways I hate disturbing the untouched snow, but I also love it. I hate it because its pretty, but I love it because it makes me feel adventurous and special in a way because I was the first person to be there and to disturb it.

Rare Moments Of Clarity.

‎"When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive."

I relate to this quote because every time I'm happy, all I want to do is hold on to that moment, but it always slips away.

Lightning Has Struck.

Yes, that's right. I went out and got myself a tattoo. I got a lightning bolt on the inside of my left arm above my wrist. It's small and prefect. I love it. I got it because I wanted a power symbol. As a whole I think I'm a pretty strong person, but a lot of times I forget how strong I can be. I got the tattoo to remind me that I will always have the strength to overcome anything.

Gatsby.

Today I had this urge to watch The Great Gatsby. I love the story because it's tragic and it just goes to show how much love can blind you. I love happy endings as much as the next person, but I feel like when you have an amazing love sometimes it's bound to get messy. Not everyone can live happy ever after, which is why I like Gone With The Wind, The Great Gatsby, and Casablanca. They may all end up apart, but they had an epic romance and are all beautifully tragic. I find that I can relate to Gatsby, in the way of being your own enemy. I end up being my own demise all the time, just as Gatsby was.

"He had come a long way to this blue lawn, and his dream must have seemed so close that he could hardly fail to grasp it." - F. Scott Fitzgerald (The Great Gatsby)

Don't You Wanna Stay.

This song pretty much explains how I feel right now.

It Cuts Like A Blade Newly Sharpened.

If I Die Young was my favorite song for a while. If you look back at an older post, you'll see I actually posted the music video. But ever since Ben, I can't even get through the first verse without starting to cry. I loved the song because I thought deep down that I could relate to it. I never ever imagined that anyone else I knew could relate to it. The song just keeps getting more popular and it's getting harder to avoid it. I've tried to fight back the tears, but I can't seem to get very far. Hopefully I'll be stronger soon, but I very much doubt it.

Finally I'm Getting Into This Session.

This session at school, were getting into studios and lighting. I don't have any real knowledge about lighting so I've been feeling a little behind. But I totally nailed my last assignment. I'm so excited about it because I feel like everything just clicked. Everything just made sense and I could see exactly how each move would change the lighting. I feel really excited about school again and I'm very happy about that.

Give In To Me.

So I saw Country Strong tonight. I was looking for more of an inspirational movie, which this didn't turn out to be. But it was still a great movie. Definitely go check it out. Here's a clip:

If You're A Bird......I'm A Bird.

I had to post this scene too......I love it.

I'll Be Seeing You.

The Notebook is every girls favorite love story. It was mine for a time as well. I didn't realize how close to my heart it was until recently. This movie will forever engrave what once was ours and will help me keep you close. I'll be seeing you.