Circle of Life.

People are the most fascinating thing on this planet. Who they are, how they look, act, everything. I don't know why I'm so fascinated by everyone around me, but i am. I just want to understand them, why people do the things they do. But maybe i should understand myself before i can understand someone else. Well Ive been trying to figure myself out for over 19 years, new subject please.
I mean honestly some people do the strangest things and some people are scared of the simplest things. I mean honestly the fact that everyone is so different is kind of amazing and beautiful. I love that everyone has a different interest. So why is it that when i meet someone whose into the music that i am or has the same outlook on life as i do, I'm so interested in them. Maybe its because they are more like me so figuring out what makes them tick will help me figure out myself a little more. Or maybe its just that everyone is so different and when i finally meet someone whose into what i am, i want to hold on to the feeling of normalcy for a second. But again that just brings me back to why the hell do i like the feeling of normalcy when i love being so different? I would never want to just be into the 5 most popular things and that's it. I love learning new things, finding new places, going on awesome adventures, and mostly i love that i can say i have other interests. I love it when i can hold my own in a conversation on life and when i can talk about interests with someone else. Everything is so confusing. But in a way when ever i ponder things such as these it always turns into a circle and i end up where i started. Maybe Mufasa was right about the circle of life.

People you love.

Why is it that only the people you love seem to piss you off the most? Maybe it's because they know they can push your buttons and at the end of the day you'll still love them. Taking advantage of this is never fair. But i know for a fact that i also do this, which makes it a lot worse. Whats scary is that i never used to get why she did what she did, but now i do. I'm not sure what to think, on the one hand i understand now. I mean it is in no way okay, but i get it. But on the other hand, if i understand it then maybe that means I'm doing the same thing. If that's the case, I'm doomed. I hate myself for even being near this path, but I'm at a place where i have no other dependence. I should be strong enough to not depend on anything or anyone, but what if I'm not? What does that mean for me? No matter how much i want to avoid everything and brush it off, it keeps coming back. I had a great night with my friend talking about nothing at all, and then the crap came back. Why can't it just stay away? I mean can't i even have one night? Would it be so terrible for me to avoid things for one night? Well as usual, the daily crap fest continues. Stay tuned.

Speech Class.

So speech, what can i say? It wasn't half as bad as i thought, but it was difficult none the less. Not only did i have to give a speech in the first class period, but my teacher checks her Facebook more than i do. I mean seriously, this cannot lead to good things. On top of that, she referred to our speech class as a court room. This basically means that she knows being forced to take speech class is like being forced to do jury duty. Again, this cannot lead to good things. On the plus side though, i have a lot of bad ass classmates. Seriously, do you ever notice how amazingly interesting people can be? Well my whole class is interesting. It's awesome! The only bad thing is that they all seem amazing at talking in front of people except for me. I'm the black sheep. These next 10 classes are going to last longer than I'd hoped for sure.

Weird is Normal.

I experienced my morning playlist for the first time today; i actually quite enjoyed it. I even sent it to morgan, so we will see if it really passes the test or not.
So don't you love it when you over-prepare / wake up and get ready unuasually fast and then have time to kill? Ya, it's awesome. But the fact that i got up was an accomplishment in itself, considering that i usually only sleep during the day these days. So yay for me! I'm actually, in a strange way, excited for my class today. How weird is it that? I missed school. haha man i'm a weird person. But as my friends cousin and i say; weird is normal and normal is weird. So i'm good then eh?

Shake It.

I'm happy to say today was a great day. For once there was no drama, no sad feelings of any kind. Not once did my mind slip into depression mode, or even panic mode. That in itself means i had a good day. But what made it better was that i finally made some progress concerning getting back into the swing of things. I listened to some new music, cleaned my room, went for a great run, and did i mention i slept in until 4? It was a good last day before the start of disgusting awful summer school. Yes I'm only taking 2 classes, one being an online history class. But the other is speech. Enough said.

So in case anyone else out there is starting school this week, here's a morning play list to help you wake up:
Jet - Are You Gunna Be My Girl
Metro Station - Shake It
Spoon - Don't You Evah
Journey - Don't Stop Believing
Shanna Crooks - Wakin Up To Love
Kressha Turner - Bounce With Me

Back on track

Hello world! I've been away for a while but I'm back to blogging.
So today's topic: trust.
How can anybody trust anyone? I've had my trust broken ALOT of times. In fact i can actually say; everyone that's ever said they loved me has broken my trust. Which is ironic because you only trust people you love right? I mean what the fuck is the point? Why does it even matter? Emotions are disgusting. I wish that we could just feel happy all the time and that was it. Fuck being sad. I mean at the end of the day were all gonna die. So whats the point? I think maybe I've been trying to find this idea that were all supposed to live by, but at the end of the day there's no point to any of it. Were just here for a little while. So I'm done trying to find an answer that just doesn't exist.

"A thousand goals have there been hitherto, for a thousand peoples
have there been. Only the fetter for the thousand necks is still
lacking; there is lacking the one goal. As yet humanity hath not a
goal.
But pray tell me, my brethren, if the goal of humanity be still
lacking, is there not also still lacking- humanity itself?-"

I'm going to enjoy everything i can and if something bad happens, well i mean it can't be worse than what's already happened. So I'm no longer going to dwell in the past. It's only making me have breakdowns and causing problems for everyone around me. I've become this toxic person that drags people into something that they should have never been dragged into. So I'm done letting it affect today and everyday after. It happened, and now its over.

The Fix to Momentary Depression.

Why is it that we tend to feel better about ourselves when we find out someones life is more messed up than our own?
At the end of the day knowing that your not alone in making a mistake or being a bit different tends to make everything a little bit better. Maybe its the fact that if more than one person is a little screwed up then its normal, so therefore, not as big of a deal.
My favourite movie when I'm depressed is Elizabethtown, followed by Breakfast at Tiffany's. In each movie, the characters have somehow got to a point in their lives that most people would find sad, strange, and confusing. I think what i like the most about both of these movies is the fact that they somehow find their way out of their messes and end up being alright. It's not the happy ending fairytale, but more the fact that people have found their way out of bigger messes than whatever mess it is that I'm in at the time.

Experiment Gone Wrong

We always think at one point or another in our lives that we are alone. But how alone in this world can you really be? Why do we feel so alone and why is it that the only way we seem to feel complete is if we have someone of the opposite sex in our lives romantically. In order to be our best we need someone to push us and keep us growing. But in order to have a healthy and strong relationship, we are supposed to be our best so we can help the other. How does that work? Life is just one confusing circle. It's a continuous pattern.
Yin and Yang, good and bad, right and wrong, these are all supposed to keep us balanced. But for those who endure the bad and lonely feelings, where's their other side to balance them out? People can go through bad times and they may never get to live out the good, if there are any good times reserved for them in their life. How is that fair? God is supposed to be an all powerful being. If he did exist then why would he make it so we needed balance? Why didn't he make a perfect society to begin with? If he's so great, why didn't he make the human race perfect? This reason alone makes me wonder if there is just one powerful being. Maybe there's more than one person in charge out there. Maybe there's a group of beings and they couldn't agree on how to make a human perfect, which led to humans being imperfect. Which leads me back to maybe we are just an experiment and there really is someone just looking down on us and watching. Studying us in a lab. Maybe in search to make a perfect society, we were an experiment gone wrong.

Romance in a light.

It sits above the city, just bright enough to stick out over the lights from the buildings and traffic below.
The lights, flickering, some moving as they do, almost become an orchestra for an Opera.
The Moon, singing of a romance greater than the average soul can imagine.
For it to be as romantic as it is sung, there must have been tragedy.
Perhaps the Sun is it's lover, but they will never meet as they should.
A glimpse of whom each other longs for happens but twice every 24 hours.
One has to wonder what could have caused such a tragic thing, as to not let two lovers souls be one.
But for now all we can do is listen to the music, as the two lovers dance between night and day.

Loves Meaning...

I'm not an expert on love and relationships and that's a fact. I've made many mistakes and looking back I'd say I've run away from just about every relationship i thought could go somewhere. Right when it ever got to the point of possibly saying the "L" word, I'd bail faster than a kid going off to college. I'm not sure if I've ever been in deep love, which only tells me i can't have been. I don't know why, but it always seems guys are falling in love with me and the moment they say the word love it's an automatic switch for me. One moment I'll be thinking maybe this time there's potential. But once they say the "L" word, the guy gets put into the friend box. I loose all interest. It's almost an instant reaction. I can't explain it. The worst part is, I'm always surprised. I feel like i should see it coming. The part i hate even more is when i break a guy's heart, because I'm for some reason screwed up. If i could for see me not feeling the same, I'd end it before i caused any of them pain.
I wonder if we each have a soul mate or if we are meant to be with one select person. But if there was a soul mate for us out there, then why wouldn't we be with them from the beginning? I mean there's got to be a purpose to all the madness, but what is it? Mating and having offspring is the physical side to it. But from the emotional aspect, why would it be such a personal experience to be close with someone if it were only to save the human race from extinction?
We fall in love. There's a reason why. There has to be a bigger purpose to love. But how do we tell lust from love, love from true love, and how do we know when it's meant to be? I guess this all leads back to one question; do we all have a purpose or are we an experiment with someone watching us from above? Are we dancing for someone else? Perhaps, we all do have a purpose, a person to love, and someone to love us back. But if that is the case then why do some never find their love or purpose?

An Empty Road

I always feel the most inspired when looking at something completely alone. Whether its a road at night with no cars speeding on by, the ocean going for miles and miles with no boats, or an empty apartment waiting for someone to start a life in it.
I think what i find so inspiring is the potential. When your starting from scratch you have a chance to make something amazing.
Or maybe i find it inspiring because its calming. I have so many thoughts rushing through my head all day long. I have a million ideas that i forget instantly because I'm distracted by the next. When i can concentrate on one inspiring moment, i can take hold of it and make something amazing out of it.
I think that's how i feel about life. It's this road filled with cars all day long, but all i wish for is that moment at night when the road is clear of tires and free to be amazing, bare, vulnerable, and simple.

Fred Thompson on the Economy

Let the search begin

Learning your way around a new place is never easy. You've got to look at it as an adventure rather than a hassle, otherwise you'll stress yourself out to the point of breaking.
Today, while looking for an apartment with my mom, we managed to meet the most rude and kind people. Today truely was a day for extremes: We didnt get kind of lost, we ended up on the wrong side of Vancouver lost. We met the most rude real estate agents in the history of real estate agents, but we met the nicest and most helpful people when were confused about where we were going. The only reason we made it to the apartment we were going to look at was this amazing lady, whose name i wish i could remember, who offered to drive us after we asked for directions.
We didn't end up finding any apartments today, but we defiantly narrowed our search down.

The first night back in Vancouver

Today it hit me; life is a speeding bus. You can either get on or miss it and wait in the rain until the next one comes along. While waiting you realize how stupid it was to miss the dry bus you could have been on. But because you spent more time contemplating where you were going, you forgot that getting there was an even bigger part of the equation.
Today you truly can do anything you set your mind on. The challenge is the road to you take to get there. If you focus on the ultimate goal, you miss the life your living up to that point. That's what I've been doing. I've been so focused on where I'm going that I've completely forgot where i am. So my goal is this: live in the moment. I'm in Vancouver for the next two weeks and i plan on making each day great.

Introduction to my blog.

Someone once told me that life was something you shouldn't question. You should just accept all the cards your dealt and make the best of it.
I have yet to listen to this advice. Every time an event happens in my life all i seem to do is question why. So I've decided to start this blog in the hopes that I'll start to see things differently. I've tried to find a theory that proves all...but sadly i have yet to do this as well. Keep reading to see what theory's i come up with. One day I'll find one that i can prove.