Raw And Exposed.

Today I went to go see The Perks Of Being A Wallflower. I was told it had a Ferris Bueller feel to it, so obviously my interest was peeked. I was not expecting the movie to be what it was though. It was absolutely amazing in the way that it was so raw and real and honest with reality and how it works. But it was so emotional for me to watch, I actually started crying in the movie theatre. The panic he feels, the pain, the black outs, the need to be normal.....I understood it all. He got through it all, he found the help he needed.....all I want is that. I want more than anything to feel how he did at the end of the movie.....infinite. If I could feel infinite.....I think i'd be able to finally breathe. Things are starting to get bad again and I don't know how I got here. I've been doing okay...liveable. But somethings changed and things are so much worse. I've been having some panic attacks and I keep remembering things and finding these huge holes in my memories. Why cant I remember things that happened? I don't understand. I know other people who have gone through what I have....and they seem to be okay. They're living normally and aren't always haunted by their past. Why can't mine stop haunting me. I've alienated everyone with my sadness and my pain. No one wants to be around someone like me.....and I get it. I wouldn't want to be around me like this either. I hate it when I feel like this because all I want is for someone to understand and show me that it'll be okay. But no one understands. It was okay when he was around because he listened. I don't think he always understood, but it didn't bother him when I was sad. He didn't leave me because of that. He left because I held on too hard. I'm still holding on too hard. I was just so afraid this would happen...and it has. I don't know how to be okay without him. I feel raw and exposed and like I'm back at square one without him.