I'm Alone On A Bicycle For Two.

Today, this song totally explains how I feel.

Jesse McCartney Overload.

Totally feeling him today. Here's a few good ones:

Emotions = Overrated.

Emotions = Overrated. Stupid. Illogical. Yet they wont go away. All I want is to not feel. It hurts. It hurts that he's gone. It hurts that you wont talk to me the way I need you to. It hurts because there is no love. I just want love, but it's so impossible for me. Why don't I deserve it? Why will I always be without it? How do I keep going on and on and on? The only reason to live is to love and to be loved. But no one will ever love me that way. Guys love the idea of me. What I could be, what I can be, what they can make me. Guys love the person they think I am. But all the problems, all the complications, emotions, those are an issue they don't love. The best I can hope for is to be loved in spite of them. All I want is to be loved. To be loved for the good and bad, but no one will ever be able to do that. And to me....that is a tragedy. I am tragic. And being tragic hurts. Right now, it all just hurts. My body feels my pain. My heart is breaking knowing the truth. A broken heart, once broken, is broken forever. Mine broke a long time ago and no one will be bale to fix it. The day he died was the day the hope for being loved was lost. My love is lost.

Another Side.

Days like today are hard. I want so badly to talk to you about things I know you don't want to talk about. I think if I had tried to have a conversation like this with you a few weeks ago, you might have been open to it. But now you're closed off, you've closed off a part of you to me. I don't really understand why. I don't know if I brought out a part of you, a part you aren't proud of, or if you're worried about what i'm thinking or if you just regret it or whats going on. The only thing I know is you're reacting badly....and its not what I thought would happen. I just need you right now. I want to talk to you. I feel like I just discovered this whole other side of you and all I wanna do is get to know it more. I want to understand it, but I cant because you wont let me. I wonder what would happen if I told you how I discovered this side. Would you be mad I read those blogs? I never would have understood them the way I understand them now. I wonder if you would be open and honest with me. Have I been open and honest with you? Perhaps....to a degree I have. I have told you about the main things, you were there for the main events. But lately, do you really know me at all? You've never been to my place. You don't know how I live. You don't now about the fact that I still sit in corners and cry when i'm overwhelmed. You don't know that I still freak out when people grab my shoulders. You don't know about the bad dreams I have. You don't know about the daily struggles I go through each day, just to survive. I don't tell you so much, yet I tell you more than most. So what does that mean? Am I being fair to you? Or am I being unfair? Do you deserve to know more? Should I have told you about Ben? The whole story. Should I tell you about how when you told me about being in love and how you felt when you held her, I was jealous because my person like that is dead and no one will ever be able to love me like that. Should I tell you about how it kills me to know the love I want so badly will never happen for me? Should I tell you about the fact that I love how deeply you feel about everything. I'm confused about you. I love you. Every time I find out something important about you, good or bad, it makes me love you more. You deserve happiness, love, joy and success. This love that I feel for you is pure. Not romantic, not contaminated, not selfish, just love. That aside, sometimes I think I may be in danger of falling in love with you and other days I cant wait until I feel about someone the way you feel about her. Sometimes I think you and I are the best thing. Sometimes I think you and I are the worst thing. But I cant ever imagine you not in my life. You are so essential and I don't know why. I don't know how this attachment grew. You're just such an amazing person, and so important to my being okay. Without you, it feels like it will all just fall apart. But with you, it feels like I will make it. That part is selfish. There is a part of me that is selfish with you. But I just want to know you openly. I just want to know what you're thinking and how you feel now. After reading those blogs, I now see there was this side to you that you've only ever shared once. I need to know more. I want you to tell me more. Do you still have these feelings? Is that why when I text you because i'm in pain....you don't run away? Do you feel this way? Are you in pain? Has this pain since left? How did you overcome it? Have I ever helped you when you felt this pain? Are you okay now? I'm worried. I'm worried about this part of you I didn't understand. I mean I know I knew about it, but I don't think I understood its depths. I never understood the depths of your pain. I am so sorry if I wasn't there for you. I wish I could just know when you need me, but I don't. You have to tell me, but I know you wont.

Want U Back.

This is one of her singles after being on the X-Factor. Love it!

Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word.

I love this girl. She's awesome and this combo she sang is amazing. Love it!

I Love You Anyway.

I've never known a man like you
A man who can hold my interest for as long as you do
A man who can make me crazy
You know exactly how to push me
You never know quite what to say, but baby that's okay
I still love you anyway

Your eyes cause intensity
Your lips kiss so tenderly
Your arms hold me and comfort me
Baby, your love overwhelms me

The way you can talk about a subject
The passion in your words
I wanna be someone you talk about like that
I wanna inspire you, impress you
I want you to want to do the same

You hurt me with your words
You hurt me with your silence
You hurt me with your choices
But none of this means anything, because at the end of the day
Baby, I love you anyway

Call Me Maybe.

Totally stuck in my head right now.

Nothing's Real But Love.

So true.

Hallelujah.

I like both versions :)

This Heart's Not Your Skipping Stone.

I love her.

Last Night.

Last night you touched me, you held me, you made me feel safe. Last night you protected me from myself. Last night you were what I needed you to be. I miss last night. I miss the kiss on the forehead that made this overwhelming sense of calm and safety pour over me. I miss how comfortable I was. I miss how you kissed me, the tenderness and the love. I want last night to be every night. I want you. I want us. I don't want this reality. I don't want last night to be something that only happens once a year. I want you to hold me every night. But I know that's not what you want. I know I'm not what you need. I wish I could be. But I'm selfish and I'm a mess. I wish I could say that I'll change, but I wont. I'll always be a mess, a disappointment. I cant be dependable and you need dependable. But just so you know, right here, right now, I loved every moment of last night and I wouldn't take it back. I know it was wrong. I know I should feel guilty and ashamed, but I don't. I'm so thankful I got last night. Some people never get anything at all, but I had last night. I got to see you look at me the way you so rarely let yourself look at me. I got to see the side of you that shows love, strength, and tenderness. I had you.

I Need You.

The pain inside of me cuts like a knife. Today I feel utterly alone. I put myself in this position. I made it be this way. I cut people off. I pushed everyone away. Right now I really need you, but you're not here. Why? Because I just screwed it all up. I just did the one thing that would make you disappear. I did it without even realizing I did it. I didn't mean to screw it all up, but I never do. I just create these problems. I create these messes that I know are complicated. You have a girlfriend. I shouldn't have done that. I knew what I was doing the moment you opened the door. I saw how you looked at me and I knew. I knew and I still let it happen. I knew you would regret it, but I also knew I wanted it. I know I still want it. But I cant tell you that because right now you might just back off. But if I were to tell you what I really want, you'd leave. You'd leave and you wouldn't look back. That is something that I couldn't bear. I need you in my life. I need you to be here. I'm not sure when I grew this attachment. I'm not sure when you became apart of my heart and soul, but you have. Without you, it hurts. There is this emptiness and this void and I don't know how to get rid of it. I don't know how to stop wanting you. I've tried everything. But at the end of the day, I still need you.

Failure.

Today I failed. Today I utterly disappointed everyone that has been depending on me. So many people who need me to stay on track. So many people who worked so hard to get me on a path, the right path. There's so much pressure to succeed, to do the right things. I am not a strong person. I am weak. Yet, the people around me continue to depend on me and constantly expect me to overcome my obstacles. But lately I keep getting beat down and I'm just so tired of getting up. I'm tired of fighting a constant battle. I just want to stay down. Is that so bad? I just want to disappear. I just want to find a place of normalcy. I just want a regular reality where constant pain and disappointment isn't apart of it. I just want my life in grade 10. That was when my life was normal. That's when things made sense. That's when the worst of my problems was what I was going to buy my boyfriend for his birthday. That was when I was truly happy. I want that back. But I'll never get it back and that kills me inside. I miss you. Today I really need you, but you've left me alone and I am lost.